5 Top Hope Killers for Parents - Video Training
This is a transcription for Vanessa’s video training. If you’d prefer to watch or listen to the video, click the link above to view it in her Facebook group. You may need to request to join the group.
Hi, I'm here with my training! You know what I realized about hope that a lot of people.. okay so there's there's like my one person I learned a lot from she taught it to me like this like there's island A over here. This is where you are as a parent or anything but let's talk about parenting because that's my thing. Okay so there's island A over here and you know that things could be better you know that things aren't how you want them you know you're in pain you know you're suffering, you know, things are hard, right?
And, you know, maybe if you're paying attention to what I'm doing, you might start believing that something better is possible, right like that you're not the worst, that you're not bad, that you're not wrong. And that change is possible. Maybe you think that right, there's an inkling there. But I've been thinking about this a lot. The problem is, if you don't believe that it's possible for change to happen, aka you have no hope. And it's like blinding you and more like paralyzing you from, from trying something to make change from reading something from being in one of these little trainings or whatever, like, do you see how you're not going to get changed because you deep down, believe that you're not going to be able to make a difference in your life.
So you see that, like hope, the lack of hope is the problem. And the issue is, we can't make changes in our life if we don't believe that the actions that we're going to take are going to add up to anything good. So that's why I want to address hope today this is a really, really big deal. So I have notes so you'll see me kind of look back and forth I really I really, sometimes I just go off the top of my head you know, because it's in my heart and it's something I think about all the time and then sometimes I really want to like like you know, build this out and make bullet points in and all of that. I'm actually going to provide my notes, too. So I'll give a link to the notes after the training.
Okay, so the five top hope killers for parents, there are so many more, by the way, I literally had to narrow this down. It's so sad how hard it has become for some reason for us to like maintain a sort of positive outlook and believe in what's possible and believe in something better, isn't a tough place to be. The opposite of hope is despair. And it's the feeling that you can do nothing to improve a difficult or worrying situation.
Now I could do a whole entire absolute like all day training on parents worrying. It doesn't matter the topic, one topic is resolved and you find another topic to worry about. Everything in your brain tells you you know what, you don't need to worry about this. But you're worrying and worrying and worrying. So that's for another day. But the feeling that you can't do anything, that your hands are tied, that there's no way to improve your situation. Because you're just so stuck and you just can't see you know any What do they say light at the end of the tunnel like that, that's the barrier.
The first hope killer is about your focus.
What are you looking for? Because you'll find it. You get more of what you look for.
What are you looking for? Are you looking for accidentally this isn't because you're a jerk or you're so negative or something bad about you, right? But it becomes a habit and a pattern and a routine that you look for everything that supports your belief, subconscious or conscious that there's no hope. If you've ever made up your mind in a moment of despair that there's no hope your brain is going to start looking for and finding everything that aligns with there's no hope.
Do you see it like a kid could be, you know, sleeping past their alarm and you're worried about their future and maybe they're just a little bit more tired or whatever, right? And something like a normal human thing is happening and you're like see, they didn't wake up right when their alarm went off. No hope See, I'm right, my there's no hope for them. So that's just a tiny example. There is a fact that whatever you look for you get more of if you want to think of this a couple ways I'll tell you like three ways that you can look at this.
These are other areas, some Call us some of these pseudosciences. Some are actual science, so whatever you're into, I'm gonna give it to you. So the first one is just manifestation and faith, belief, hope, right? If you believe something without seeing this is, you know, biblical, this is also not in the Bible, this is other places in philosophy as well, when you, when you believe that something's possible, you're able to find the next stepping stone and the next and the next and they appear for you because you're actually available for those things to to to come into your life and then you take advantage of those opportunities because you're not shut down and despair, right.
So that's one way to look at it is in terms of faith, manifestation, energy, what you attract what you think about is with emotion and feeling is what comes to you more of that in your life. If you're into that, this is a great argument for that. If you want to go straight science and like brain science, if you've ever learned about your reticular activator system, reticular Activation System in your brain. That means that whatever your beliefs are, your brain seeks information to validate your beliefs, your brain seeks information to validate your beliefs.
Now, the simplest example I have in my life is I remember being a kid, like in high school, I think my second car was a Honda Accord, and I got a Honda Accord. And then everywhere I looked there was a Honda Accord. And I hadn't seen any before that No. Is it possible that everyone got a Honda Accord the day I got a Honda Accord? No, definitely not. Same thing when you are thinking about, you know, buying a certain item or whatever, like all of the sudden, all of that is like, well, also, because Instagram is freaky, right? You'll get ads for it.
We could debate if that's related to this or not. But anyway, you know what I'm saying? When you start thinking about something, it starts appearing more in your life. So if you're looking for what is wrong with your child, or how you're a failure in your parenting role, or how you're unattractive, or, I mean, you could just make a long list or you know how you're no good at something, you're going to find evidence for that your brain wants you to be right.
Do you get it? So if you believe and I have worked with people before, who literally have said, My daughter is a slacker, my son is a loser. Okay, so if you believe that enough to say it out loud to someone else, and I definitely commend the courage to say what's in your heart, like if that's how you feel, say it. But then let's look at it. If you believe that, if you believe that your daughter is a brat, and is dramatic, guess what everything they do is going to line up with your belief. If you believe that your son is a loser, or a slacker, everything that they do is going to support that you believe that.
So this is me being a personal responsibility bomb on your screen right now that you actually are responsible for what you look for, and find in your children and in yourself. And whatever you're solving for, or looking for, is going to grow. So what if you take this little fact here of focus, being a hope killer, and you realize, Hey, I am focusing on what's not right and what's negative, what if I switch my focus, you will see 100% you will see something different, your hope will grow, you will water the seed of what's good and what's happening that you like in your child and in yourself. And things will get better. You can say that I'm oversimplifying this, but literally, it is this simple, I promise.
The second hope killer is holding on to unrealistic expectations.
MOST parents expect too much from their kids at each age, forgetting about brain development and puberty and reality of the facts---resulting in pressure and loss of connection.
It's a really good question to ask yourself. So, okay, this is the biggest one, my child is so smart, they are so smart. They got to that level in their game, or they were deemed gifted at school, or they could do their ABCs when they were, you know, four months old or whatever. You know, parents say starting from when your kids are really young little babies. They're so smart, they should know better. Okay, so get this kid again, be smart. And all the kids I meet are actually really smart. Every kid is smart and in a way or another right? And so we think because they're intelligent, or they do well on one thing that all of a sudden, that should mean that their brain development is fast forwarded to the age of mid to late 20s, when their brain is actually scientifically, fully developed, and all of their faculties are working at full speed and full capacity, hopefully. Right?
So why do you think, like, you gotta check yourself, you've got to check yourself and find out for yourself if what I'm expecting my kid to do is actually realistic. And I'll give you a hint. If your kid isn't clicking with what they're supposed to be doing. I would just go and say no, it's not realistic for today. Because it's not reality. It's not what's happening and resisting what where your child is in terms of development in any area, socially, academically, hygiene. I mean, I could go on and on but responsibilities chores, you know, like being able to scrub the pots and the dishes, whatever it is, remembering things, recalling things being organized, all those things. I forgot how it started. sentence I do that sometimes. It's like, we've got it. Oh, reality. If it hasn't clicked yet. Please get with that reality.
The more that you pressure someone to understand something to have something mastered, the less likely they're going to master it because all they're thinking is Oh, something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with me, I should do this. I know better as a kid, right? And it's like, but I can't but I don't. I understand it conceptually. And I pulled it off a couple times. But if it hasn't gel, it hasn't clicked, it hasn't said I haven't mastered this yet. So when you relax and calm down about the fact that it hasn't clicked yet, it's more likely to click faster, the pressure isn't helping.
So more on unrealistic expectations. I believe this and this goes along with what I just finished saying. It's our job as parents to adjust our expectations. And it's not our job as parents to force an outcome. Now consider this how many of your expectations as a parent are based on my life I as a mom, my life would be so much easier if they could just get this once and for all my life would be better it would make it would make me sleep better or I would have more peace or my my own mom or grandma would get off my back about this thing if it would just click the teachers would be would be emailing me less right?
Like this could be a you problem. Problem problem. This could be a you problem that you're unhappy with. Sorry, my kid keeps texting me. This could and I'll get back to them. Don't worry, but I'm busy right now with you. So this can be a you problem that you're not dealing with the way your life is or isn't working right now. And so you're putting more pressure on your kid to get it right now get it just figure this out, right? To take some pressure and some stress off of me. Not fair, not cool. It's not their job to make our lives easier. They get to, our kids get to develop at the rate that they can develop and they're doing the best they can and trust me I've never met a kid who doesn't want to mature and grow and develop and get it and succeed. They all do, we all do. I believe that's human nature. I choose to believe that's human nature I should say right?
So I would like to add that most parents expect too much for their kids at each age or they fear that their kid isn't in the right spot at the right time. I've seen this in myself when some of my kids were little, my first child. He is 19 now; when he didn't speak any really normal, like regular English words that kids would speak until he was way past two years old. I thought that something was wrong with him. I took him to speech therapy. I did all these things and guess what? It just wasn't his time. He didn't need to be like my mom friend’s kid who was saying full sentences at one year old for him to be okay and that was a me problem.
Yeah, I'm glad I went and got it checked out and everything was fine but he was within normal range he was just slower developing and for me to stress and worry about that would only like have bring negative energy into our relationship in stunt his own development because I was so pressured and concerned and worried that he wasn't okay. So there is an absolute loss of connection in relationships when we add pressure. And, again, a whole other juicy topic is, do your kids need to meet marks and like, like meet conditions for you to feel like they're okay. Which by the way is more like, do you think you're okay? Could you have a kid who is not meeting all the marks quote on time and still feel good about yourself? Like, that's how you know it's a you problem because they're just fine. Like my son when he was two he didn't know that he wasn't supposed to say, oh, all aboard instead of train, like he was just fine. I knew what he meant, he knew what he meant and nothing was wrong. It would only be my pride and, you know, embarrassment or something that would have that be a problem. I hope that makes sense. I think it does.
Alright, so what are you holding on to unrealistic? unrealistic expectations? Before that I said, about focus. What are you actually looking for? Stephanie said it's tough to not want to compare. It's all around us. It's so true, right? It's a really hard comparison. evaluation, assessment. Judgment. Those four I think I should make it like an acronym for them. It's the air we breathe. Am I good enough? And I'll get into that right now actually. And we've decided whether or not we're good enough based on what other people around us are doing? Or kind of more like, what do we think they're doing right? Or we compare ourselves to the most top advancing person in a group instead of to like the whole group or something like that.
It's really normal for moms and dads of all, kids of all ages to do this, even college essay t scores. I mean, where did you get into college, all of that stuff? All the way down to potty training. So the next one, are you hanging on to a never good enough mindset. And again, I sort of started talking about this, this is way more about you than it is about your kids, it's just that you probably have this mindset about yourself. Your parents may have it about themselves, your parents may have it about you, and then you're extending that to your kids.
Hanging on to a “never good enough” mindset
This is more about YOU than your kids, you just extend it to them and others also.
It's like you drink the Kool Aid about everybody needing to be good enough and acceptable and approvable of and so you're, you're worried and you're coming from this place of Am I good enough? Are they good enough? And if they're not good enough, that automatically probably in most parents' brains, makes them think that they're not good enough. Oh, lies all total bullshit. None of that is true, you have just bought into something that is a lie. And that's really great, because now you realize it's a lie. And you can dis unattached yourself from a lie like that. So this probably goes way, way back, this, I'm not good enough. Now my spawn are probably not good enough, this thing goes way back. And it's based on some lie, like I said, that you have to prove yourself and check certain boxes to be accepted.
I know that it's really common, I hear it a lot among my kids, friends who come over, they'll tell me, you know, oh, my mom said this, or, or my, my kids were here at from different places and their other parts of their family like not acceptable, that is unacceptable, not acceptable. When you tell someone that what they're doing isn't acceptable. I promise you that without skipping a beat, they make that mean that they're not acceptable, and that they're human, their humanity as they develop and bump along through life, like all of us making mistakes and learning and growing and learning the hard way and experiencing things that something's wrong. And that's actually not true.
Anybody who's ever failed and messed up or fallen short knows that that's how they made it to the next level, right? So this whole acceptable, unacceptable stuff, garbage doesn't work. You can say it if you want. And I'll tell you, it's messing with your relationship with your child and their hope, for growth and for a good future and for turning out the way they want to.
Let's do a little inventory right now. So I want you to just sort of like, you can look around the room you're in, you can think back. You can just look at your thinking inside of your own body and your own self at this moment. I'd like you to do a little inventory. What do you currently think in your life is not good enough? It's not acceptable. You, you're not happy with it. And it's in the category of it's wrong. What are some of those things? If you, I'm going to actually pause for a minute, not video just let you think. Look around. What's not right, what's not okay, what's not acceptable.
Hold on, my cat wants to go out. Oh, he actually opened the door and went out himself. Thank you, Walter. Okay, so can you see that? It's really easy to look around and see what you're not happy with. And what's not good enough in your life, instead of what is and again, that goes to number one with the focus thing. Excuse me. So you get what you look for. And if you look for not good enough, It's never good enough. That's what you're going to find. And that's what more of that's we'll grow. We'll multiply like little baby bunnies.
Alright, now, here's one more way to check and see if this not good enough thing is one of your main hope killers. I'll tell you, your this might sting a little okay, but I know you can handle it. Has someone in the last week told you that? Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. Maybe it's your spouse? Maybe it's your boss. Maybe it's your business partner. Maybe it's your kids. And maybe it's yourself? When is the last time you can comment below. When is the last time that you heard from someone who's discouraged by how you're talking to them and what you believe about them? And they've literally said to you, nothing I do will ever be good enough for you, mom or dad. I feel like I can't when you always pick on me you always find something that's wrong with what I'm doing and you don't see my progress. You don't see that I'm trying here. I'm doing the best I can. Have you heard anything like that? If so, that's a really good indicator that you're focused on and have the mindset that things are never good enough for others, yourself, and so on.
Alright, two more.
Fear-based thinking will just deteriorate, blow up, and disintegrate hope.
Absolutely. Hope and fear. How can they exist together? I just don't think that's a thing. And I know that's not science, but that's definitely, they're not pals, right? So either you're choosing to come from a fear based place, or you're choosing to have hope and faith and come from a place of, of love and gentleness and compassion. So let's look again, let's take an inventory if you want to write these down and pause like that's a great idea. It will definitely help integrate what we're talking about into your brain.
So let's take a look at just the last 24 hours. Okay, we're going to make a mental list of how many things you have done, because you're scared of messing up or failing. Alright, I've made a little list here. Did you work out so that you don't get fat? I know that's loaded and I don't think like that and I don't want you to think that i think that that's right I'm just saying like, do you do some of your self care and health things because you're afraid of being unattractive or gaining weight or having fat cells on your body which isn't a crime by the way? Did you rush in the last 24 hours because you're scared of being late? Did you yell in the last 24 hours because you're scared of your kids not hearing you or are not listening to you or not respecting you? Did you judge yourself because you think that that is what's going to help you improve? Did you say to yourself, you are so disgusting, you are such a loser you suck Did you say that to yourself because you think that whipping yourself with these you know this mean?
You know tool of torture of judgment is going to actually help give you an edge and make you improve and someday hopefully be acceptable. Having this is kind of in a little different vein, but same with the fear. Have you shut down in the last 24 hours because all these fears are piling up. Have you shut down Have you had a breakdown when you're coming from fear and you feel like you're in trouble all the time and you're in fight or flight mode, like constantly because your your nervous system is just like on high alert and you're scared of you messing up and your kids messing up and being late and doing something wrong and not measuring up. And you're, you're eventually and probably quite regularly going to shut down. So that's an indicator that that hope is going to be hard to find.
Now this is related to the last one, in the last 24 hours have you just checked out, numbed out? It could be with a substance or or dealing with some kind of addiction that you have going on because you can't handle how fear and concern are just swimming around in your head all of the time. And so there you've got to escape your mind. Some people call it taking the edge off. You know that edge? This is optional. I don't want to say I mean it is made up pretty much everything is made up, right. But that there's an edge is something due to how you're thinking about things. So if you have to take the edge off, do you see this vicious cycle? I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. I'm scared that I'm not good enough. Now I have to check out and numb out so that I can forget about home not being good enough. And the whole time it was a big fat lie.
Okay, so if lots of yeses in those questions, consider that coming from a place of hope and love, and what's possible, not what is doomed for failure and horrible, you know, outcomes. enjoying the process, it's possible to enjoy the process, believe it or not, and bump along and be messy and in the mess of it and get results that's possible, versus always feeling like you're coming from behind. And you're always walking around like a loser waiting to happen, or trying to prove that you're a winner all the time, that shit is stressful. And when you're in that way of thinking, you're not going to leave any space for hope.
You're not going to leave any space for something positive to surprise you. It's always got to fit into this win lose, right? Wrong. I'm scared I'm not scared. Okay, I'm not scared because I just checked off that box. So okay, oh, I just, you know, dodged a bullet. But now where's the next one? That's what I'm talking about when I'm talking about fear based thinking.
You imagine their future roommates, bosses, lovers, friends, spouses and kids just hating them because of how they are right now at 13 years old.
And finally, the last one is, I think my wife and I learned this in therapy, this idea of time traveling, maybe, that maybe you've heard about this before, but time traveling. So I am like really, I'm really good at this one.
There are ways that this helps me. But then, yet most of the time, this bites me in the butt. So you think that because your child I write about this in my book too, you think that because your child doesn't put their towel on the rack and know what towels on the floor and it's musty and so on, you instantly try it you start thinking about how you know their their college roommate is going to hate them. And then you think about how they're going to smell and then they won't get their job because their musty towels are next to their shirt and then they're going to have wrinkly clothes and then they're not going to get the job and then you just go on and on and then their wife or their husband is just gonna hate them. And then their kids are gonna grow up to be lazy towel lever on the floors too. And you just go right it just snowballs and snowballs and all your fears and concerns. And predictions are just like a sure thing that you believe.
Meanwhile, you forget that you're very, very, very little. The same now, as you were when you were 13 or 15 or 17 or even 20 you've changed a lot, right? Your kids aren't cooked yet. Maybe all the ingredients are there. And maybe they're in the oven and there's not much you can do anymore at this point right? But you know, now it's just time to wait till their brains are developed till they catch on until they are inspired and motivated to learn certain things till they failed and something of a natural consequences happen in their life, such that they like oh my gosh, my girlfriend or boyfriend just told me I have bad breath. I guess I do need to floss, right? You're like, I've been telling you that for 65 years and now you're gonna floss because Lola told you you need to right? Well, yeah, that's how it works.
So we've got to remember that there are things if you're being honest, that haven't even truly clicked, things that you probably totally haven't mastered yet in your 40s Earth. 40s or 50s that you expect your kid to already get, and they're 11. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, like, I didn't wash my face before bed every night until I was in my 30s. That's when it started mattering to me, even though I know the facts. And I know what my mom taught me, you get that, like humans develop when they develop. And honestly, it's none of our business. It's none of our business. And it's not about us, when and if our kid catches on to things that we think are important than that we value.
Yes, you can make all kinds of arguments, and I've got stuff back for you if you want to comment, but what about foot? What about? But what about? Yeah, that's their problem. And not everyone is going to turn out the exact way to the recipe that we teach them and desire them to be. Our kids are not a part of us in that way. They're not an extension of us in that way. They're not a reflection of us. In that way. It's not our job to approve of our kids.
And when we're focusing on all of these things, let me recap here. If we're focusing on what's wrong, and constantly trying to get people to our kids, or spouses, whoever in our relationships, to measure up to unrealistic expectations, we're always looking for and thinking about how we are never good enough, they are never good enough. Nothing's ever good enough. When we're spinning on a fear, or a myriad of fears. I think I use that sentence in the write, right in the sentence, when we're just focused on a million fears, fear based thinking, fear based thinking, fear, reading, more fear, breeding more fear, right?
When we're time traveling, and predicting the absolute worst outcome, and then freaking out about something that we think might happen in 15 years or two years from now, it doesn't work. There's no space for hope. Just as fear breeds fear. And dissatisfaction breeds more dissatisfaction and hate breeds hate. The same is true of love, and hope, and positivity, and kindness and gentleness. It's, like, fine that you, it's absolutely fine that you have these wonderful dreams of how your kid will be. But if you approach those with gentleness, and give them space and some wisdom, you know, like, use your, your your wisdom in that, like, Do you enjoy being pressured, and prodded and criticized, does that help you grow? It doesn't help me grow, maybe for a second.
And then I realized, you know what, I'm never gonna satisfy this guy. Maybe it's myself, right? And so I give up, and I shut down. So these are all indicators that you're killing hope. And the way I said, this is like, hope killers, it's kind of that violent, and it's kind of that drastic, and it's kind of that like, you know, nasty of an idea. You're, you're killing hope and hope is needed for the progress and the results that you want in your life with your family and your kids.
So please comment below. I hope you have as you've watched this in the replay, or live, I can't see all the comments. But I want you to comment below, like what really kind of called you out I don't mean to be calling out in like a snotty mean way, but like, what really hit you, what's the part of what I talked about today, that you really can make a change on and and start to shift the way that you think I'm telling you, almost every single problem that we have, is, is perpetuated, or if not originated, in the way that we're thinking about it. You think a problem is so real and bad and, and, you know, hopeless, I should say, and so much of how come it's the way it is and the way that it looks, the way it looks and the way you feel the emotions that you feel are simply based on what you're thinking in your mind.
So if you want to talk more about this, just let me know. And if you have any other ideas or anything what I've talked about today that you would like me to go deeper on, please let me know. But I really love your feedback for these trainings. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you so much for being here. Bye.