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A Bit About Codependency

October 21, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

All right, I'm gonna do this training today I am, I've got my friend Ben here, because it's a home day, not a school day. And he'll probably talk to me a little bit, but that's okay. So the thing that I want to talk to you about today is something that it's called codependency. And we think of that a lot when we're growing up and we're, say in a relationship with an addict, or we're then an enabler, and it could be in our family of origin, you know, or it could be in a current relationship, or, I mean, it could be, hold on. Let me help you get up here. Okay, bear with me. I'm gonna sit on the island together. How cool. Hey, Mom. Okay, just sit right there. 


Alright, so so it's when I'm just saying this in in the simplest way that I know how I like to simplify things. It sounds like this. When your ex, then I can be why, when you're in it, when you when my kids get their room clean, I can relax. When my kids stop being disrespectful, then I can be happy. It's a lot of if then statements like, when my my ex gets sober, then I'll feel better. I mean, it's like you will, but you can't wait until people you want to get down now. Okay, I knew it wouldn't last. Oh, my guess there you go. There you go. So do you think so we get really in a trap. It's a trap. 


So it's when you need someone to be a certain way. Now this can count for moods, too. I can't be happy because my teenagers always grumpy. I can't have a good day. Because I am being abused and treated badly by my child. Right? Like, I get. Yeah, that's really bad stuff. But it's also there's part of it. That's obviously real, of course, of course. But it's also a mindset thing. And it's it's a little bit up here where, where it's like you're depending on someone else changing. And I'm going to post something below in a comment that one of my dear friends posted, he's Gosh, like in his 80s. And he's a recovering alcoholic. And he is really amazing. And it's just about, we can't wait for other people to change until we can be happy. 


We can't wait for circumstances to change until we can be happy. And when we're always like, I'll be happy when or I'll be peaceful when something we're dependent on them doing something in our life is not ours anymore. We'll never get to be happy. And it's sort of an addiction for us. The ones who are dependent on the person, the other person changing because you know what, if that something does break loose, and something happens, we're just going to find the next thing that we need to change so that we can then be happy. It's a control thing. It's futile, it's absolutely futile and it'll make us insane. So the opposite when I first learned, you know, a long time ago about codependency I was like, You mean relationships? I didn't know there was an alternative. 


So the alternative you can look this up anywhere is inter dependency where I am me and you are you. You're doing you. That's your business. I'm doing me that's my business, we come together, we can talk about your business and my business, but I don't need you to do something for me to be okay. So what I want you to do is look into your life. And literally I want you to write down and make a list of the areas in your life that you believe that that you truly believe must change or you can't be happy. Like I I'm really vocal about my child who didn't finish high school who dropped out this year. And I'm like, so what am I going to be happy when all my kids finish higher education and secondary education? 


So yeah, I'll never be happy. Okay, no, I'm real happy. And you can see Hold on You what? You can't find what oh, Lightning McQueen. I can find Lightning McQueen watch this and do this. So um, so what I'm saying is like, I've got it's about acceptance, the other person is going to be however the other person is going to be and not and I do mean acceptance. Like, I have built my beliefs around the fact that that kid of mine who made that decision for themselves is going to be fine. I made up my mind that That is her path. And oh my gosh, I love school. I think it's wonderful. And you know what the funny thing is, that kid loves learning a great, great deal. But the system of school just wasn't conducive, you know, to them. And to them thriving for them to be healthy and well, and yeah, oh, they could have done online school or got their GED. But like, if you knew their whole story, it would all make more sense. 


So anyway, do you see what I'm saying, I'm not waiting for people to do things that I think they should do until I can be close to them. That's the other thing. Like, I can be very close to that kid whose decision I personally wouldn't make. But I'm not the judge here. It is not my life. Um, I'm going to also post a link to a book that we talked about in zoom community coaching last night, and it's called loving what is, and it's by Byron, Katie. And if you don't already know her work, it's really great. I highly recommend getting the audible, because I love her voice. And I love how she talks of loving what is by Byron Katie, she goes by Katie, but her first name is Byron, don't ask me. 


It's really, really powerful. And the biggest takeaway I have from that book, is that what I just said, there's your business. There's my business, and then there's God's business or the universe's business, whatever you call it, and weather and you know, things like that natural disasters. I can't worry about that. That's none of my business. That's God's business. What other people do not my business, and see I'm over here trying to make a big difference in other people's lives, right? But it's not because I'm getting in their business. I don't even really get in the business of my actual paid. You know, big enchilada when they buy this huge package for 1000s of dollars for me. I'm not technically even in their business. I'm still standing here saying whatever you do means nothing about me. 


What? Oh, yeah, I quit looking for lightning. Okay, so do you get what I'm saying? It's a respect. It's a level of respect. Like I can teach you this. I can inform you I'm gonna look in my room. Wink wink. Remember that old trick? I can teach someone I can inform someone I can support someone I can be there for someone I can do. I can be available to someone but the problem is if I wait for them to do the thing, so that I can feel good about myself, boo. I turned into a horrible coach and a horrible parent. No, I don't like horrible parent. But you see what I'm saying? Alright, so I'm going to go I'm going to link to what did I say I was going to link to the Byron Katie book and oh, a little article that you can read about codependency for sure. I didn't say that before. Crap. Oh, watch this over. I'll do it. Alright, have a wonderful day. I love you. I love you. I love you. Bye.

NOTES

Codependency vs. Interdependency
Loving What Is by Byron Katie

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