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An Alternative to Worrying

October 11, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

Hello, I'm in my car. I just got my hair cut, the number one and a half in case you want to know that style. Maisie my daughter's and they're getting hers right now. I'm so excited to do this training with you about worry. So I was thinking about Bob Marley. I'm like, don't worry about a thing, because every little thing I can't sing I know that it's gonna be alright. But like, we don't want to be like, Hi. And under the influence, like Bob Marley, even though he's awesome. We don't want to be naive. We don't want to just like stop caring. I really noticed this interesting thing where people, I think it's a big mom thing. And I don't think it's not adapting, I think it's equally adapting, where, where worry, equates to caring. I worry, because I care. And I want to dismantle that belief. 


I want to really work on that with you right now. And talk about like, What's an alternative to worry? Wouldn't it be so cool if you could use the energy, the time the brain power, the emotions that it takes to worry about a circumstance or a person or a situation or yourself or your future or your past or whatever, and actually channel all of that into something that makes a difference? And then you know what's so great, then you can worry about something new. And actually, that sounded funny. But what I am saying is to reduce the cycle time of taking like, Oh, I noticed I'm worried. That's actually cool. 


Like, I think it's everybody cool talks about this, I wanted to say it's Bernie Brown, but like, or maybe Glennon Doyle, or someone it like talked one time, and it really sat with me forever, about how like our emotions are guide. So if you want to count worries, and emotion, I think it probably is on the emotional scale I'm sure it is. Then it's like cool. I'm worried that's an indicator. Now, it's when we sit in the worry. And think of like a car like here's my Volkswagen Atlas, right, we're sitting in the car, we're driving down a road, it's a muddy dirt road, and my tire goes into a groove, and it's spinning, and I'm stuck. I'm stuck in worry, my tire spinning, I'm using the gas, I'm using the battery power all the parts of the car that make it work. And I'm not going anywhere. 


I remember back in the day, when Dr. Phil first came out, which believe it or not guys has been 19 years. I remember because when my son who's 19 was three weeks old was his first episode. And I was like so excited about it. But remember Dr. Phil, he said, and I don't know if he quoted someone else, or if this is original, but worry. It's like rocking in a rocking chair. It won't get you anywhere, but it's something to do. And so I'm thinking about that. I'm thinking about the tire spending kind of analogy. I'm thinking of it a lot of different ways where you're worn out. Why am I so tired? Why am I so mentally exhausted? Why am I unable to be present with others and myself? Well, I've been worrying all day. And to think that that doesn't tax you and drain you is wrong. It's wrong. 


So back to what I said, Let's take the worry and say, Okay, I'm worried about something and then move forward now. So that's what we're going to do. I wrote some notes here. One of the things funny, I love analogies, I love visualizations, and this one's kind of gross, but go with me here. You've heard it a million times shit or get off the pot. like sitting on the toilet and not you Okay, I'll go with it. sitting on the toilet and and not intending to like make something happen basically being constipated, frustrated, you know, like if you're going to go go if you're going to make something happen make something happen otherwise, don't take up the space in that space where you're supposed to be making things happen I'm explaining shitter get off the pot. I think you understand it. Um, worry is stagnant. I made that no, it's not useful except for if you use it on purpose. 


I love this way of thinking have I learned this in a course long ago? It's like are you using worry? Now if you're using worry to be an indicator of moving along and making an important change in your life cool. Yes. Oh I'm worried that means I need to take action great. If you're if worry is using you. It's like a parasite you're the host and worry worry I just worry I worry all day and then I worry about the landscaping here and I I worry about the weather and in another place and I worry about the future. You know what I'm saying? Like it's just like worrying breeds worrying, no doubt about it, you know what I'm talking about. And you know what else is is breed something and it is like compound interest sort of thing. Action, taking action, courage, that also, you can snowball in a positive way instead of worrying, snowballing to a place of negativity and frustration and heaviness. And, you know, nothing's happening. 


Okay, so what I want you to do, it looks like there gonna be a lot of people in the replay because more people said they wanted to watch it then are here at this moment. Hi, everybody. By the way, if you're watching the replay, or if you're watching this live, it doesn't matter. Do this now. Hi, Kathy, I want you to do this now. So it's okay that you missed the beginning. If you did about the whole, like, intro that I gave, now we're going to do some work. Okay, so literally, unless you're driving, and even if you're driving, can you pull over for a second, because this won't take long. What I want you to do is, right, you're using your phone, probably. So if you have a receipt in a pencil or a pen in your car, or if you're at home, at the office, or wherever you are, I want you to actually do this exercise with me right now. Okay? 


Excuse me, that was my coffee, I want you to write down for let's take a minute, I want you to write down for a minute, I'm going to actually do this with you, okay. This does this for me, too. We're gonna write down for a minute, all the things you're worried about. And I want you to make it into two categories, things you're worried about now like today, specific things today. And things that you're just like, kind of generally worried about the micro. Now micro worries, macro worries, you can think of it like that. The general stuff that's kind of like always on your mind. So the clock is at 51. Right now, when it turns 53 because it's been 51 for a while. Hi, Bonnie, we're going to stop. 


So just to recap, for anyone who's just joining, we're going to make a list. So I want you to actually get out your paper, we're going to make a list of the things that you're worried about now and today. And things that you're worried about, like in general, in a macro sense, these are just things that you're always worried about, okay, we're gonna write perfect for a minute, it's 52 till it turns 53 I'm gonna be quiet, I'm doing this too. Okay, go write down your worries. And if you can't write, just think, okay, I'll shut up. That was about a minute, hopefully got a little list going I got like seven or eight things written down here. So we're writing them down, okay? 


Now, I mean, I don't even know if your prep, I want to just note this, I don't know if you and me are even present to the things that we worry about that are just like the air we breathe. You know, like me, I'll give you an example with with coming from, you know, I'm always going to be in recovery. For my eating disorder. It's just always with me, my body image problems. I'm probably always worried about something about my body and the shape the size, the something, I probably am always worried about that it's like just there. If it wasn't there, or when it's not there for a moment. It's weird like that. So you may not have even got to the depth because we only spent like, probably 4550 seconds on that list. But do try to get that. You know, like, if you have aging parents, maybe you're just always worried about them. But it just feels normal. I want to bring those things into the conversation. 


Sometimes you were just so stuck in the way it is that we don't realize that there can be an alternative to it. It just feels like Well, of course I worry about that. I mean, when I posted something about worry, I think it was on Saturday night. It was very interesting. It's like of course I worry it's like a badge of honor. I worry about my village, I worry about my community. I worry about all this stuff. I'm like cool, but I almost think that people have kind of a funny false definition of what worry really is. It means that you're having like a negative feeling about Something that you think you can't do something about almost, which is a lie, you can do a lot about a lot of things. 


Oh, and this reminds me of the Serenity Prayer, which my mom crossed a church I have growing up and it's a thing from recovery and stuff, which is God or whoever you're into, right? grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. So there's something like change the things I can wisdom to know the difference. We don't have to worry about everything. Alright. Hey, cutie haircut. Okay, Maisie is with us. Now. Can I show you for one sec? Sure. That's my man eyes. We're about to go get our nails done in a second. I'm gonna finish my training right now. And you can do whatever you're doing. Did you tip 20 bucks? Yeah, okay, perfect. All right. So I'm there. It's like, that's where we go back to the shitter. Get off the pot thing. 


Honestly, if you're worried about something, but you're never gonna do something about it, stop worrying about it. Please. If you're worried about it, do something about it. If you're not going to do something about it, stop worrying about it. Like I can leave pictures, little infographic. That's actually great. Okay, so now we're going to choose one of the things mines taxes, the extension for taxes is Friday, and we've been literally just actively avoiding doing taxes for 2020. And it's October, well, don't judge me. That's my I'm worried about it. I'm worried about not doing it. Right. I'm worried about messing up. I'm worried about costing me more money because I didn't turn in all the things. I'm worried about finding some things. I'm worried about doing it by myself because Stephanie is out of town, and she's working and she's the smart one. And so I've got a lot. 


So right now, we're going to take a minute. And can you set a timer for a minute? Yep. Okay, I'll tell you when, Oh, got my system. I'm gonna set a timer for a minute, and we're just going to breathe, okay, you can breathe. If you want. Big breaths, diaphragmatic breaths. We're just going to take big breaths and breathe for a whole minute and then I'll tell you what we're going to do after that. Okay. Hit it. Yep. You don't have to close your eyes, but I do. Okay, that's a minute, doesn't a minute feel like forever. Hope that felt nice. You needed that no matter what we're talking about today. No doubt I did. 


So now we're going to take another minute in just a second. And what we're going to do is I want you to sort of meditate, get present to the thing that you're going to pick, I want you to pick one thing I told you, I'm picked. I'm sorry, I can't see your comment, Bonnie. I don't know how to do that. It says swipe left, but I can't see it. I'm sure you said something awesome, though. We're gonna put we're going to present this is how I wrote it down for the notes, we're gonna present our topic that's our daily or our like ominous worry topic. We're gonna present that to our higher self, we just got some access to that person, the real you when we were just breathing. 


That's what that's for. We're getting out of fight or flight mode, we're dropping down sinking into what we know and who we are. So I'm taking taxes to my higher self right now my rational self. And we're going to take one minute and you don't have to do big breathing or anything, but we're going to present the topic to your calm self to your higher self, okay? And you're just going to like, meditate on the topic and listen, listen to what you already know. Okay? Like if you were gonna handle this, to put it in the worry category, or that I fuckin did something about it category. This is what you're going to get access to right now. 


Okay, go set the timer. We set it for a minute again. Yeah, thanks. Okay, okay, went to low power mode. I hope that didn't mess this up. Okay, so now I got some insight. What did you hear when you listened to yourself? You can write it in the comments. What did you hear? What are you? What are you now aware of? That makes a difference in what you're dealing with? What do you know? What did you hear? I'll tell you my example of taxes. I heard that, hey, I can do this. I'm really smart. I'm really capable, I'm being kind of irrational. I also saw that I can trust my accountant. Like if I don't turn in everything, she'll say, Oh, you didn't turn that in, submitted, you know, I can trust her. She has my back. I can ask her for help. I didn't really have that on my radar. When I was worried about it. I felt alone. And I default to that I default to that I'm alone, and I have to figure everything out. And I can't so I'm screwed. I default to that I'm fiercely independent. And that's something that makes me worry because there are a lot of things in life that I need help with, like taxes, even though I used to be an accounting major. What a joke, right? Me as an accountant. 


Oh, yeah, let me just do my five keys. All right. So now I'd like to point out that knowing something and doing something are like, opposite North Pole, South Pole. Great, you know, super, you know, you know what you need to do, you know how to do it, you know, you need help. Great, super, why aren't you doing it? Why aren't you doing it? And I'm not trying to be a bitch and be mean about it. But really like, it's a literal question, not a rhetorical like judgy question, why aren't you doing something about it? You know what to do? You know the truth? Or at least you know, the next step. Do you know the next step about what you need to do? Mine is I need to block out time, I actually have blocked out time for other things. And I was like, oh, I'll just do taxes before bed after Ben goes to bed. But the truth is, I need to take the time I blocked out for my fun project, and I need to put in taxes first and get that done. 


It's probably going to take me an hour and in my mind, it's going to take me 27 hours, but it's due tonight, you see the problem with me not blocking up the time and being rational about it. I think you get that. So now it's just time to make a plan. You could be talking about from healthcare issues to child rearing issues, to educational issues, discipline issues, marriage issues, communication that I say that, me financial issues. Household things are worried about how you feel out of control in an area, there's always a first step. Now I'd like to point out that there isn't a right first step, not usually, you can usually make progress by just doing something. So in general, I would like to say that the alternative to worrying is actually a bit multifaceted. 


So what I want to recap what we just did here, so there is getting the first in terms of like our new process. So replacing, this is our goal, we're taking worried we're replacing it with something else, okay? Because worrying is futile. It's not very powerful. We're replacing it with the process that I just gave you which I'll write up notes and include those you know, in a in a link below in time today. Well, maybe tomorrow where we're we're making the list. We're doing the brain dump, we're choosing them and we're doing them one by one. You know what our kids say, Oh, I hate school. School sucks. It's like well, how science it's fine. How's English? Oh, I'm doing great in that. I like what reading right now. How's math? Oh, it's just math. They're not worried about all of their education in school and their future and their past and every single class. It's just one class. Oh, what about math? Oh, I have a quiz tomorrow. But do you see how our human brains will say I hate school? When really, I need to spend more time studying for my quizlets tomorrow? Do you see we do that too? So making the list picking them out one by one. First of all, deciding do I need to worry about that? Is this my business? That's a great question about worry. Oh, my gosh, how many things do you worry about? That are none of your business because you're codependent as fuck. And you think that me too? Just me? 


How many things do you worry about that no one asked you to worry about that, or none of your business to worry about, you're actually damaging the relationship by worrying about it. Think about that. That's huge. That's just huge by itself, then the next step in our new protocol, or alternative to worrying is to breathe is to get centered. If it takes you a whole freaking yoga class to get there, great. If it takes you getting on your knees and praying to God, you know, and having some faith, great. Whatever it takes, I can usually get there in about a minute or two minutes of breathing and just getting centered and grounded again, great, do that. 


So breathing, then present the topic to, again, if you think of it as God, if you think of it as your higher self, if you think of it as you know, collective intelligence, wisdom, to your calm self, to your real self, I like to call it all your real self. And I like to think of it as God as well. But that's just me, and you can think of it however you want. Bring it there. Listen, just listen, just like Shut up. And listen. What do you know? What do you hear? Now, we take what we know what we heard. We reject the lies of what we heard. And what we, you know, a lie tried to slip in there like truth? No, no, not true. That isn't your business or Yeah, absolutely is your business and you need to take responsibility for that, you know, whichever way it goes, then we get that knowing isn't enough, and action is what's required. So then we decide what's the next best step. And we don't get picky, and we don't get judgey, we just make a next best step, the next right thing to do, you've heard that before, it's important that you move forward in it. And if you notice yourself, this is awesome. 


Here's your final little part here. If you notice yourself, knowing what to do, having a step worked out and then resisting the step over and over and over and over. That could be fear, sure. But it also could be an indication that this is not your thing to worry about. Or maybe your action stuff is trying to convince someone else to change or take action in their life again and again. And again. That's not your business. That's not your business. Right? You get what I'm saying. So if there's nothing to do that's in your actual domain, or the things that you're doing are actually bothering people and they're giving you direct feedback of stop doing that. You can cross it off your list. You do not need to worry about that anymore. No wonderful. 


Okay, I think this was good. I liked this. I hope you liked it too. Thank you to my beautiful assistant, Margaret. We're gonna go get our nails done yet because I just started getting gels and then they start coming off and messing up but I'm into it. I'm into self care. I don't worry about it. Just go do it. Alright, I will talk to you guys soon I will. Maybe I'll do the transcript to this. I'll feed it through otter and put the whole thing up in writing because some people just like to read it. And then I'll offer notes as well, just give me a day or so and I'll put all that up and definitely you can comment everything that you're getting and seeing even if you're doing this in the replay, and I will see you soon. This was so good. I feel better. Honestly, I like coach myself about my taxes. I'll let you know if I owe anything. Bye 


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