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Control Freaks Unite

October 29, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

Okay, this is take three, my phone wasn't working, I guess the sound was not working and people sounded, it sounded people said it sounded like I was in a helicopter. So then I stopped, restarted, did the whole entire control free training again just to find out posted, not listened to it back that time. It's like the one time I didn't. And it wasn't working. I was like miming the whole thing. So here I am, again, I'm not annoyed, you're not just getting, I actually don't mind, I think I say something better each time I talk about the same topic. So no sweat. 

Now, I am talking about being a control freak. And I'm a professional. In fact, I'm in recovery from being a professional control freak. And it has come into my life and been a part of my life in multiple ways, from eating disorder, body image issues, being a perfectionist and all areas of my life, requiring extreme order. I also have anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, which I treat, but I am affected by the fact that I have a need for control. It's so it's on so many levels for me, you know? And then it's like, what the opposite of needing control and not and then not getting it because you know, it's actually not possible control is an illusion, as they say, is then I feel out of control, then what do you do when you feel out of control? Well, you have to sue, you have to numb it. And it can turn into this crazy vicious cycle with what we do. 

Like I talk about it quite a bit in my book in the end of the mean acronym of from mean to real clean, I'm talking about how we tend to do that loop, we need something to be a way for us to feel comfortable. And that is completely completely subjective. But we think it's the way the right way, right? Then we try to control people and things and circumstances in life and the weather, or whatever. And we try and we try and we try, then we can't so their number owner feels so out of control. We say I'm overwhelmed. We say I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed? Well, I would like to say that we wouldn't be so stressed and overwhelmed if our main objective in life was it, we wouldn't feel that way unless our main objective was to be controlling to control our environment. Now control looks like carrot and stick. You know, like, if you do this, then you can have this Oh, if you do that, again, this is going to happen to you. A lot of that kind of manipulation, bribery type stuff. That's one thing. 

Another thing that we do that's controlling, oops, can't go that way. Another thing that we do is that's controlling is we try to nag and remind and we be kind and we just tried to get people to do what we need to do. Right. And and it's like, I don't know, is it working for you? Is it actually working? Is all the reminding and nagging and controlling and shaming? Oh, that is one of the oldest tricks in the book of trying to control someone has to make them feel ashamed. And the best moms I know, the kindest people I know. They actually do that. And it's really really tricky stuff, you know. And so when we use shame to to control people and to control outcomes, it's causes more damage, and then we feel guilty. And then there we are back at needing to numb. So are you starting to see the madness of this? Now? The impact I'm here at my client's house now. So I'm just going to pull over here so she doesn't see me creeping, and then I'll turn back around. So we live that far apart? How cool is that? 

So the impact of the impact of being controlling isn't that we get people to do what we want. It's not you want it to be you want it to be so bad. So do I, but it's not the impact is? Do you know, guess? What? Do we end up teaching our kids when we're being controlling and need things our way? Think think think think write it in the comment if you know, even if you're watching it on replay. We teach them how to be controlling. We teach them how to be controlling. This is how it needs to go. This is what you need to do. Oh really? No, this is what this is how it needs to go. I'm just going to play your game but with my topic, right? The kids do the same thing back to us as we do to them. And then we go crazy. So they're trying to control or we're trying to control and we're trying to control each other which is what a power struggle looks like. Precisely.

So we've got to step out of the game of needing to control there are alternatives To control Believe it or not, just like I was like, there are alternatives to codependent relationships No way. No way. That's what a relationship is right? Like life is seeking to control how everything turns out all the time. No, it's not. That's the air you breathe. It may be so real to you that you're like, Well, what else would I do? That's a good moms do. That's what we do when we care. That's how we show our love. Okay? No, actually, I'd like to be spicy here and disagreeable maybe, and say something new to you, the way that we get those things that we want in our life, or less of what we think we want, but more of what we actually need is just by being present, being in the moment accepting, so proud being present, and accepting those really are so blended together, I hardly know the difference, when you're present in the moment, and you just sit and be with how things are, who walked into the kitchen with an attitude, just breathe it in and just be with it, instead of being needing to fix it, to change it to be a problem solver to prove that, you know, that that you're loving or to earn someone else's love, or to just re confirm this identity that you have that you're only lovable, if you're fixing things and doing things all the time, it's okay to just be with people exactly where they're at. It's okay to not it's okay to know I'm getting a little hot, it's okay to know that they're not up to the most healthy thing for themselves. And it's okay to also just kind of be with them right there for a moment instead of needing to rush and to change the facts, the facts of reality. 

I know I've been talking about her a lot lately, but I've been listening to her again. And she's on my mind a lot. Byron Katie, the loving what is that is the best way to get out of the need to control control makes us mean, control makes us tired? Are you tired? Oh, I feel that control makes us feel crazy control almost every time leads us to feeling out of control. feeling out of control leads us to feeling shame and blaming ourselves and then either completely shutting down and breaking, breaking down. And then slowly, we can maybe get our energy back up. And then we try it again. Like I'm asking you to step outside of that. So you control freaks, you're creating baby control freaks your country, you're creating control freaks, who are probably taller than you write about now as we speak, some of you and and it's not working, and you've got to try something different. 

So what I want to do is make sure that you're going to get into my free virtual workshop next week. So it's in a Facebook group. That's a container for I've already got like 70 Something people as of today, and we're not even close to Monday. Well, I know it's Friday, but a lot happens like at the last minute with things like this, you know how we are. And so it's a Mondays at Mountain State Mondays at 9am. Mountain Standard Time, I'm going to go on and teach. And it'll be somewhat interactive because of the comments. And I mean, definitely, I'll be able to feed off of your energy, you'll be able to tell me more of what you're thinking about what I'm saying. So it'll be a partnership there. Then every day I'll be giving you assignments, and well that that's what I mean homework. And then the next day, we'll talk about how it went, I'm going to ask you to post your aha moments, your questions like you'll get to use me up. And then I'm going to be doing some on the spot coaching where I know how to join people to live on Facebook to add and then I'll be talking to whoever wants to and I'll coach you live for the benefit of the whole but also especially for the people who, who I choose. 

So that's going to be happening. Honestly, I'm saying it's five days, but I'm going all the way to Sunday, I have eight different sessions planned that are at least one hour long, where I'm going off and the whole topic is get through to your teen. So that's the URL get through to your and you're going to go on there you're just going to put your first name, your last name and your email address. And then I'm going to love you next week like you had never been loved before. I promise you're going to come away with so much confidence. You're going to come away with so much clarity about what your role really is as a parent and I cannot wait to see you there. Alright and yeah marketing talks about moms and teens but dads of five year olds are welcome to my shit works for parents for human beings who are guiding other human beings, regardless of what stage and definitely regardless of what gender so bring anyone I just kind of had to like

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