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Do You Want More Than They Have to Give Right Now?

October 30, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

Good morning. I'm here again. Oh my gosh. So today's the 13th day in a row that I've done a live training. I love this. I love this so much. I'm going dark though, on Monday, I normally just do these on Monday in this group. And I and I decided to do 14 in a row. Because I want you guys to know, like, I guess I just want you to know how much I care about you. Like I do. I don't know why that just made me cry. Like, I know you're in pain. And I know how hard it is. It's hard for me to be a parent, Why am I crying? Oh my god, it's okay, I'm going to let myself be how I am right now. But like, being a parent is so hard. I think that's why I'm crying. Like, it's so hard. And like, I guess I'm just being who, who I need. 


I'm being this way, every time I every time I talk about something or I do a training, I like I get something out of it for myself, because there's my higher self who's serving you. And then there's me, myself, my mom self who like this is so hard. And, um, there's like nothing like huge going on right now or anything. It's just like the pressure of wanting them to be okay, but them needing to make their own decisions. And it's just like, I want to be here for us. You know, I'm, I guess I have many personalities, I have to fake my debt, roar. And then I have just like Vanessa, whose mom. And um, I just hope these trainings have meant something to you. And I hope that you know that you can always go back and watch them if this if you haven't caught them before. But um, so today's the 13th, one out of 14, tomorrow will be my last one. And then Monday, I'm not going to do one and I'm not going to do them for a while. Because I'm going to be focusing on what else I'm doing, which is for you too. And you're welcome to be there. So it's okay to cry. Look at me like struggling like with being a crier. So funny. It's okay to cry for NASA, right? 


Monday, I'm doing this thing, November 1 through fifth, it's so good. It's so good. I've already written all the courses like the the what I'm doing for all the days, it is so good. It's like really powerful stuff. And I've already tried a couple of the lessons on it a couple people and the exercises. And they're just like, oh my god, like so powerful. And I want you to be there and it's free, it's free. And it's you just go to get through to your team calm, first name, last name, email done you're in, then you're in this group with me that last for five days, like a pop up group type thing or workshop. And we're going to work really hard and you don't have to be there live, though I'll be doing live lessons from nine to 10. My time Arizona Time, Monday through Friday. And then also I'm actually doing three hours additionally, so eight hours total. But the three additional hours. Actually, four of the eight hours that I'm doing are going to be like adding you guys into the screen. People who volunteer and I'm going to be doing coaching on the spot. 


So I'm not advertising that to all the people I got in the group from the Facebook ads, because I want it to be a surprise some of you may have found me through Facebook ads that are here right now. I love that. I took a risk on Facebook ads, and then people took a risk on me and I'm telling you, I'm so thankful and grateful for that. I am so grateful for that. It's very weird. I feel like a three year old little girl like looking in the mirror while I cry cuz I can see myself right now. But I am I'm just so moved by people's courage to do something different. And to try to like make change in their life like it. This is such a big deal. Like it's just the hardest thing in the world to be a mom and to be a dad. And so anyway, I'm really excited about this thing. And unlike Chromebook, please do it. No, just kidding. Don't do it. If you don't want to do it. I don't want any of you there. If you're just doing it to be nice to be you need to want to be able to get through to your team. 


You will need to be there for the right reasons and you need to know that even if you don't do it perfectly. You're gonna get your life out of it. Guaranteed I swear to god hope hope to die stick a nail in my eye. I know this for sure. Alright, so on top of all that I want to talk to you about this idea of this is like the title of what I wanted to talk about today. Are you expecting more from your teenager, you can fill in the blank. Okay? If that's not relevant right now, are you expecting more from yourself, from your spouse, from your younger child, that happens a lot actually younger, even the three year old, your teenager, your own parents, then they can give. And I want to talk about that I, you know, like one of the main things that I'm going to always be talking about is acceptance, and non judgement. Those are magic, those will change your life forever, like, you'll never be the same. 


If you could just accept reality, and the reality of who people are, and the reality of who people are not. As they are, if you could just get that, no, it shouldn't be different than it is because this is what it is, this is reality. And the minute we accept reality of what people can give, and what people are capable of, and what they can do, and how much they can communicate, and how emotionally intelligent they are, and how much follow through they have. And like all the things that we get mad at people for the minute you can accept that they are who they are, and they aren't who they aren't, you get freedom. And freedom is my favorite. Freedom is my favorite. I don't want to be tied into if other people do something, then I'll be okay. Because I cannot control that. I cannot make other people be any other way than what they are. And the downside of wanting people to be more do more. For you wanting yourself to be more for you wanting yourself to always be doing more and being better and always pushing yourself and being hard on yourself like that.


The impact of that is that you feel beat up. You do and they do they feel beat up by you consider that that your kids feel beat up by you imagine being your kid. Imagine, like think about the last five things that you've said to them? How many of those things were encouraging versus corrective? Okay, sure, yeah, that's your job as a parent, whatever. But like, are you going a little too far? Are you expecting your three year old your 13 year old, your 18 year old, your 15 year old to be more advanced intellectually, and developmentally and emotionally and spiritually and physically or whatever, then they are. Because people are, where they are, you are where you are. 


If I was sitting here saying, Oh, you can never yell, you must always have a clean sink, you must, you know, always look amazing. And, you know, and and you must always be, you know, a good 12 pounds lighter than what you are. You know, like, like, if I told you that if I put that on to you, it would feel a lot like and until you do, I'm not going to be pleased with you. I'm not going to approve a view. It's like the literal definition of conditional love. And if you don't like it as love, because yeah, you love your kids think of it like conditional approval. We don't have to be the boss to be a good parent. Imagine that. We don't have to be the authoritative authoritarian BOSS OF THE WORLD cop, prison warden, organizer of all of life, to be a good mom that you can sit back and let people do what they're going to do and be who they're going to be. And then become a safe space where when they're like, oh, that didn't work. I remember you saying that wouldn't work. 


Can we talk about what does work? Like that's a real possibility here. That's everything that I'm working on. Like cat has these nails, like little caps on that I superglue on because I really love my couch. And and so it's like you tap dances through the house. That's really funny. I was like, Who's that? That's my cat like, like, click click. So anyway, that's Walter White. He's my chief feline officer. He's very lazy. And I'm thinking about firing him, for sure. He does nothing. So these expectations, we think that oh, well, that's the only way they're going to be better. If I don't expect them to be better than they're naturally Of course, they're never gonna want to excel or achieve or do better. And that's not true. That's just plain old. Not true. Human Nature doesn't work like that. In fact, you know, what human nature does do is resists the changes that would be natural because someone else is dominating us to make those changes. 


Like imagine if your significant other was constantly saying, you need to lose weight, you need to lose weight, you know what I would do? I'd get fat as fuck, just to prove a point to them that you can't tell me how to be. I know that sounds. But like, don't tell me, that is human nature. And subconsciously, kids will do that all the time. And very consciously two kids do that all the time. I know firsthand from some of your kids, that what they do is they, they get bigger and badder and tougher and more resistant, just because you want it so bad. So you being a try hard as a mom, or a dad and wanting so bad to make all these changes, and have everyone measure up on this day at this time at this moment. Which reminds me of family photos, or family dinners or holidays. Like, everything needs to be so so by a certain day in time. So everyone thinks we're great. Like, imagine being like that all the time. Having this like, drive to get everybody, everybody's life in order something like, do you know that life is stupid, yet, like, it's never going to be perfect, there's always going to be some crap happening, that sucks all the time. And that's where we have to honestly lower our expectations and let allow, except that people are going to have to go through their own stuff on their own time, just like you and me. 


There are things I didn't understand and learn. And things that didn't click for me for so long. I'm 44. And there are things that if I told you, I just got these things, like really got it in the last four years. In my 40s, you'd be like, really? And I'd be like, yeah, like face care, like taking care of my skin. Yeah, in my 40s, I realized how important that is drinking water. Yeah, I didn't really get that until my 30s really not really owned that like, just, it's just amazing. Letting go of my high expectations about how my body should be, and dealing with my eating disordered thinking and my body image problems and all of that. I am a solid, eight pounds heavier now than I have been forever, I had never weighed as much as I wait now right now, except for when I was like six months pregnant with the kids, you know, and or maybe like five months pregnant or something. And I am totally in acceptance of where I'm at right now physically, like, absolutely, totally an acceptance of where I'm at. And it took me 44 years to love my body as it is however it is. But look at us trying to expect our kids to get the lessons that we are just getting, or haven't even gotten yet, honestly, we want them to get things that we read about in a magazine or a book that we haven't even incorporated into our life and integrated into who we are. 


But we Oh, but our kids 12. And you know, they're very smart. They spoke when they were two and they walked when they were six months. And the kindergarten teacher said they were brilliant. And so now they should just be they should get this by now they should be able to do this. They know better. They know, right? Like, life's not like that. And people aren't like that. And the more we push, the more they have to push against us, for them to have autonomy and their identity and self respect and dignity. So guess where their energy is going to you pushing against you wanting all this stuff so bad for them, which is none of your business? And then guess where their energy can't go to all those developments? So ask yourself, are you expecting too much more than is fair, more than is your business to expect from your family? The answer is probably yes. And that doesn't mean everything's gonna go to shit I promise you what I know what I know. 


So so clearly and truly and and witnessed to in my coaching practice every single week all the time, is that when you lay off and step back and let go and stop making everything about your damn self, Walter is turning to drink out of a water cup. When you stop doing that, things start start moving and shifting you shift the energy by releasing control and releasing expectations. The only person who you have a right to have expectations of is you that could be controversial. You can come at me Come at me bro. Like oh my god, so cute. Are you drinking water from the cup Walter? Anyway, all right. So That's where I'm gonna leave you. I'd love to know what you think about this, I'd love to know what you're getting. 


Tomorrow I'm going to overview and talk about some point, like some teaching points for sure, but also, like, let you know what you're going to actually get out of the workshop. I really want you to do the workshop. It's like a gift. It's amazing. It doesn't take a lot of time, all the things I'm doing will be on replays, like, it's not a very big deal, as far as time goes, And seriously, what else are you doing toward toward getting a better relationship with your teen if you have some other great wonderful plans, like freaking tell us we'll do it too. I'm not the only thing in the world. But if you're not doing anything, I want you to do this. Alright, I love you so much. And I'm glad you're here and thank you for being with me and thank you for supporting me, just by being who you are and being so inspiring as parents. Every parent inspires the crap out of me. And you do too. I love you. Bye.


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