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Get a Life, Ma

October 19, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

Hello, how are you today? I'm doing really good. I went and took care of myself, I got a chiropractic adjustment. I'm working on a very big project, which I'm having so much fun working on. I don't know, I'm just doing really great, I hope you are for sure. And I hope you're looking really hard for what is going well in your life and what you are doing well, because I could tell you the other side of it, too, where a lot of things are just fall into shit. And life is kind of hard and complicated. And even so I am, like, I'm not trying to lie by telling you some good things are happening. I'm just focusing on those, you know, so that's how I try to do it sometimes. 


So today, I want to talk to you about getting a life. It's kind of rude, right? Like, that's a rude thing to say. But if you, if someone who's saying it to you, or you're saying to yourself, is is saying if you or someone else is saying it's you in a loving way, like Hey, there are so many other euphemisms for good life, like Hey, what's your passion? When did you stop being you? You know, when when did you stop doing the things that you love and got kind of swept away by the the bigness of parenting? Like when did that happen? Okay, cool. So you made a decision, like moms can't enjoy the things that they enjoy. Moms can't have interests. 


I mean, I subscribe to the idea that I shouldn't, couldn't, whatever have a job like I went from having a business degree and working really hard for it and getting amazing grades and caring so much about everything about my education, getting a really great job out of college, great internships before that to meeting the father of my kids, you know, like before, a few days before my graduation from college. I taught high school for a little bit there. And then it was like, what, but then when I had the baby, I was like, Oh, I can't do obviously teaching is my passion, right? But I was like, Oh, no, I wouldn't be a good mom, if I were to do that. 


Now not everyone does that. And I actually really think that there are some people who wouldn't have it any other way and they want to have their children be their ultimate first priority. For me, I would have done so much better with my mental health and with my balance in life, my perspective. In life, if I had done something even part time besides just being home with five kids and five years, I know that's for sure. And secondly, there are some people who always were like, Oh, I need a balance. I they admitted I heard this and I was like, Oh, you're so like, revolutionary to me. This mom in particular. She's like, I can't do this full time or I'll go crazy. And I'm like, that's true for me, but I am going crazy crap. And so I didn't know that like I could have permission or like the choice to do something that was me having a life. 


So I'd like to put it in a few categories. I'm gonna actually take notes as I go here. This one's more off the top of my head I just have so much to say about it. So the get a life Oh, how funny that's g a l gal. Hey, gals, let's get alive. That is it could be many things a life right? a life outside of our families and life outside of our children. And I'm not talking about like girls night. You know, like that kind of thing where all we're doing is partying and like checking out from what what our life is I don't mean that by get alive. I don't mean get high, get drunk, go shopping and like do a million things that maybe aren't as responsible for you at a certain level, you know, as you should. 


When I say get a life, I mean, like, remember, what are the things that actually fulfill you recharge you make you feel happy and excited, like you're up to something? That's a really good way to say life, you are up to something? Yes, because I'm going to write these notes in the caption later, you're up to something that's what it means to have a life in the context that I'm saying it, so excuse me. So that could look like work. It could it could look like work. It could look like starting your own business or joining an existing business where there's like, you know, zero barrier to entry. 


I'll tell you I'll tag her on this too. I love her so, so much, Melissa Korey, she's one of my clients and one of my friends from high school and one of the coolest breakthroughs that she got out of working with me for the eight weeks in the full family Transformation Program that I made up that I love is I'm in As she wanted to sell and she wanted to do something and she's a genius at getting people excited about things and and making people like feel a sense of community and so it was through cya selling her selling like athletic clothes. And she's so good at it I swear as she probably doesn't know this, but in my mind, like I'm competing with how often she posts not like, it's not like it potency of posts is really important. But I mean her ability to, to keep going like her consistency is oh my gosh, inspiring. And I have some of those clothes and I love them. And every time I put my shorts on, or my sports bra, I'm like, oh, Melissa. So like that is so big. Now. She still has a really difficult difficult cards dealt to her in terms of her situation with her specific kids that she got, she has three kids from three up to 14 and it's Rosie 13. But it's like really complicated stuff that she deals with. And then and then in her family like she really is doing most of the work by herself. So her it would be like what a start a business. That's crazy. She can barely keep up with what she has. But she'll probably comment on this. 


The thing is it I should tag her right now I'm talking about her. That's the thing you can do. Maybe I'll maybe it won't let me I'll do it after. Okay, so the thing is it added new energy, yes, energy. That's what I'm talking about. It added new energy into her life to be up to something. She's still yells. She's still has a hard time. But she also has this other thing to balance out her life with right. The happier we are, the more we have going on, you know this already, the more we have going on, the happier We are the more fulfilled and satisfied and challenged that we are not just with people shorter than us, or taller than us. But the more we're challenged by things that light us up and push us, the better we show up as spouses, parents, everything for ourselves, too. 


I often think about the relationship between me and myself. Am I saying no? Vanessa, you can only do one thing? And that's it? Or am I saying to myself, yeah, enjoy yourself. Do something great. Hey, I'm gonna treat you to, you could just start your own business. Can you believe it? I'm gonna back you, Vanessa. And I be like, Oh my gosh, Vanessa, thank you so much for believing in me. Yeah, you're really busy. I see that. But I know what you're made of Vanessa. And then I'm like, you know what, I really needed that I can rise to this occasion and make this happen. Do you see how crazy I sound. But really, that's what I'm talking about, like to start a business to take on a job to volunteer to, you know, decorate your house differently, like, do the things that that light you up and bring you it could be exercise, it could be, you know, reading more books, that's definitely one of mine. And I still don't even read fiction, really, but just reads it and read like, you know, business books and stuff. I just love that marketing and whatnot. So mindset books, I love that. 


So do you see that when you're investing in yourself, this time that you set aside, that's not for other people. It's not for chores, it's not for your spouse, it's not to do list. It's not for the PTA. It's not for, you know, all the extracurriculars in the world. You know, interestingly enough, Melissa, who I just mentioned, her kids are probably the most, they're the most elite level of each of their things. He's a state champion swimmer, or he is and then she's the her daughter is like upper echelon as much involved as humanly possible in the dance world. And then she has a three year old who did well i think he just turned four. 


So you see, like, it's not because she had a lot of extra time. It's infused her life with a new energy that she needed, which makes her to be really blunt, hate the rest of her life, just a little bit less on those moments when hate is kind of the vibe, because she has something else that she can think about. She has something else that she can talk about. I mean, do you ever show up somewhere and you just feel like all I have nothing to add up to nothing. Nobody wants to hear about how my kid won't wake up in the morning for school or won't do his homework or her homework. I mean, like we run out of things to talk about because we become one dimensional. As a parent, as a mother, especially so so often, even a working mom can be a really one dimensional thing like you give everything you've got at your work. And then you come home and you've got give everything you've got in your in your family, for your Children, and then you're out, you're just out of gas. 


So though it's counterintuitive to give more to yourself by getting a life by being up to something, it actually ends up being this like little kindling. It's like a spark. Okay, so here I got you an analogy. Well, I'm drawing a spark not that you can see it. So there's a little dots a little spark, right? And then and that is this thing in you that you always used to love or always wanted to do someday. Okay, so right now, I want you to picture in your mind you doing something or you thinking about something like what is the thing that comes to your mind that would be that spark? Mine is having my business mind is making a difference for others. Mine is like creating writing. Oh my gosh, I think you can tell. That's my Spark. For sure. What's your spark? I like it too. Because it's like, it's like, what makes you you, it's what sets you apart. It's like what makes you different and special, right? And so the spark, you got it in your mind? Do the thinking do the thinking. 


Okay, so now what we're gonna do is add kindling. In case no one's ever been camping before. That's like the little tiny, you know, little, little twigs and leaves or whatever paper if you will, like some, like if you can do that. Lots of little things that get the get it going. So it eventually catches on to the big logs. I'm drawing picture you guys. Okay? So the.is, the qinling dot right there. These are the.is the spark sorry, the kindling is around, and then it starts to catch on to the logs. And before you know it, you'll have this really big wonderful bonfire. Or hey, if you want to keep it at a really dull roar, is that what that's about? No, I think that means noise. But if you want to keep it at adult burn, like a smaller burn, that's okay too. Because it's better than being wet ashes. 


Gosh, that's a really good analogy because you were up to something you did care about something and then it's almost it's almost like your water breaks. I actually never had my water breaks i'd five c sections, but it's almost like your water breaks. And then your sleep deprivation and you're carrying keeping a you know, human infant alive and all that and everything that marriages can go through during that time. Then you have another one and another one and another one and another one and then school and teachers and friends and judgmental people and your parents and I mean even if everything's great on the better half of those things, it's all still very, very hard. Very, very hard.


So here we are going, Okay, I don't care how old your kids are. This is little stuff. This is like Oh, you're interested in sewing cool. Next time you're sitting around, watch you know scrolling through your phone and what do you say consuming? My coach talks about this a lot, consuming social media? How about do something where you can learn something instead, how about contribute to a conversation, maybe instead, joining a Facebook group that's about that thing that you like, that would be a perfect example of kindling. 


Setting aside 15 minutes a day, just a day, and I would definitely substitute it or subtract it from your scrolling time of just looking at other people being up to something and or take it away from television time. And I'm telling you 15 minutes to put toward something that you love, I will do the math scores that you would have, I don't know if that just blocked out. When I went to the calculator for it stayed live. So I'm going to say it, what I did is it's 990 1000 or 100. I forgot what happened. But I did 365 times 15 minutes. Oh, here I go, I'm going to do long multiplication, I actually quite enjoy it. Hold on telling you how many minutes you would be. So it would be 5475 minutes that you would have spent in a year working on this little thing. And it is very difficult. 


I know that this is true, it is more difficult to to start and stop a new kind of thinking you know and so you're like in mom life mode. And then you're switching over to like oh, I care about this other thing whether it's you know, manifesting or marketing or my faith or, or reading fiction or writing, right, something like that or exercise. It's hard to switch. But what I'm asking you to do is switch switch back and forth and let 15 minutes be enough. Again, the 15 minute chunks that kindling if you would like to read an amazing book, I would read atomic habits, a lot of you've probably read it by James clear. And one thing he talks about is how if you if you changed your life by one person in a certain area of life, one person a day, then in a year's time, you would have made a 365 degree increase in whatever area that is. And I love metrics. I love thinking of the math of things. That's real. 


So 15 minutes learning something about your passion, your spark on YouTube, 15 minutes, joining a group and interacting with others learning more networking, something like that. I bet you that if my star today, Melissa was here, she would say, I can't tell how she does it. I'll have to ask her. Maybe she can comment below, does she batch her posts, or I think she does. I'm fresh every day. But I can't imagine that she spends too much more than 15, maybe 30 minutes a day on her posts, I'd like to know. But even if it was an hour a day, okay, 1/24 of the day for you to be up to something, I think that's allowed. 


So I said it in my in my description, I'm handing out permission slips today. I haven't made it yet. But I'm going to, I'm going to make you on Canva a little permission slip that says that you get to do whatever you want, whenever you want toward building the kindling around your little spark and giving you permission to nurture that spark and grow it into whatever size of fire that you want to. Because when you get a life, when you are up to something amazing that lights you up and fulfills you and makes you feel like you again, Oh, my gosh, you will be absolutely probably actually not shocked. But it will be like really, that is so interesting, the less you're hyper focusing on everybody else's business. And you're at their business. I mean, yes, the less you're hyper focusing on everybody else's drama issues, business schedules, routines, and all that stuff, the more

you'll see that they can do more, see yesterday's training, do less for your kids without feeling guilty, they actually need you to stop hyper focusing on them for them to truly thrive and be independent. Yes, this is gonna be messy for a little while. Yes, it is. And that's okay. Because there will be a point where you'll get over that little hump. And you'll say, Yeah, everybody, that's right, Saturday afternoons, Appu. 


So I am not going to that other practice, I am going to let someone else do that I'm going to outsource some stuff so that I can spend my time this is my time, this is my spark time. And I'm going to use it because I'm happier this way. And again, I'd like to differentiate, going out and getting wasted. Check checking out versus checking in, I want to make that distinction checking out and checking in, plugging in versus versus like numbing out, we've got to look at this spark thing not like, we're just gonna go blow off steam and vent. Although all that is valuable. So I'm adding into that. 


So there's all the stuff you do, then there's the way that you kick back and relax and vent and check out I'm not saying anything's wrong with that. But I'm talking about something totally different now, being up to something never, never included, you know, like bars? Unless, of course you want to like start a bar or open a bar or something. But do you get what I'm saying? Like you understand it, and I'm not being a bitch, I'm not trying to be judgmental. I'm just saying that we're talking about something that you're passionate about, that is productive, and makes a difference in your life and maybe even the lives of other people who are just waiting for you to get back to that thing. 


I love this conversation. What are you getting, whether you're watching the replay, or you're watching this live? Hi, everyone, I just want you to like see that something else is possible. And I want you to do this work. So if you when we hang up, or when I get off of this and push the Finish button, I want you to say what's that spark? And I'll write this down for you. What are what are five types of kindling? And and then what's the vision like, like, where do you see this thing going, it's amazingly powerful to write down where you see, your vision could go to whether you're returning back to something that you used to be at a certain level with before, or it's something brand new. 


And I want you to think of the kindling a lot in terms of 15 minute things that you can do until you start building up more resilience to the pushback you might get and until you start like really getting this much So back in shape All right, I'm gonna send out permission slips for you guys if that's what you need. Some of us are that good of girls that we need or guys that we need literally for someone to say you have been granted permission and it's like you have been granted permission to take your spark and turn it into a fire again. I love this. I literally love this moment. I'm so happy. I wonder what it meant to you guys. So tell me what do you think about this training? What do you think about this conversation? I'll talk to you really soon just right in the comments. Bye.


HOMEWORK:

1. What’s your spark?

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2. Five examples of kindling

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3. The vision you have for your future

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