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How to Do Less for Your Kids and Not Feel Guilty

October 18, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

Hello, hi, how are you? I had a bumpy, bumpy day today. And I am sorry that I couldn't do this when I said I would, but I went out of town and then I turned around and came right back and things are handled. So I wanted to make this happen today. In fact, I also want to announce something amazing, I think it's amazing. I am going to do a training like the ones that I do on Mondays on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, this week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, next week, all so I'm pretty excited about it. 


So it's leading up to I mean, I have an ulterior motive, obviously, look at me, I'm an evil genius. I, my motive is to just like really, honestly, where it came from, is I there's so much material, I am never not thinking about something I could write I like type in my notes, like multiple titles of things I could talk about a write about that would help to give relief to, to parents, you know, and and it's like, never stopped. So I like got to get it out more I got to get it out more that's important. 


Then the other thing is, if what I was gonna say, first is the energy that I want to build up, because I want all of you guys to be in my free November 1 through fifth five day workshop, which is called How to connect with your teenager. I'm or it's it's, if you can go to the URL, I made it its own thing, how to No, no, no, no, it's get through to your team.com that's good for me to know that right? get through to your team calm and go there, all you have to do is put in your first name, last name, email address, boom, you're in the group there already 10 people in there, and I haven't even started trying it, which is awesome. I mean, just a few posts, you know, a couple here and there, but I'm running ads to it. And it's going to be a big, amazing group of people and the content, like my guy who I hired to help me make that week. He's just like, this is crazy how like valuable this content is, and this is free. He's like, what do you even do for money. So we're like, so excited to give this to you. 


Alright, so here's the training, I'll make a transcript for it that's been really popular. And I know a lot of people really like to have have their trainings in writing which I'm actually that exact same kind of person. So I'll run that through otter and and ask you guys to raise your hand and tell me if you want me to send you the transcript. And we'll do that. So today is how to do less for your kid without feeling guilty, slash without feeling like you're neglecting them. So to to allow our kids to do more for themselves, which is, you know, the other side of the hand, we do less for them, they get to do more for themselves. 


Now, is there a universe that you know of where someone gaining skills and doing more building up confidence feeling better about themselves? increasing their skill that I say that is a bad thing? No, it's not an In fact, doing this in a healthy way, which I'll prescribe is actually like going to cancel out a lot of the problems that are going on. You think some of your problems are, I want to say the word real, but of course they're real. That's not what I mean. You think that they're like, you think I know you do because so many people do this, you think this is the problem, but it's actually this, and I like to talk about this, and then this goes away. That's perfect. That's gonna look great in the transcript. 


Okay, I was just pointing to here versus there, lower down is the root cause that's where we work. Okay, this definitely has to do with codependence, this definitely has to do with not allowing our kids to be separate entities to be autonomous beings to be separate islands from us feeling like they're a part of us and every feeling and failure and when is actually ours. That stuff is cute sounding. But it's very, very damaging. And it's very complicated. And it is in no way, what I call a clean relationship and no way. I mean, this goes, this goes back, you know, years and years of research about codependency and interdependency. You guys can read probably 20 books on it, you know, you just look on Amazon. 


So here we go. This is these are the reasons that I see as parents. main ones of why they do so much for their kid, and then we'll talk about what is the downside of doing so much for our kids. So we do it better. We do it faster. They're annoying. Sometimes they go too slow, they don't do it. Well, they have acid because they're lazy, you know, stuff like that, they push back. And we don't want to deal with the fight, we don't want to deal with the putting up with any lip.


We are inconsistent. And so we are like, sometimes we say that. So this is the beginning to the fact that if you expect them to do something, which a lot of you do, I know a lot of you have your kids doing chores, and you expect something of them. But sometimes you let it slide and sometimes you don't. And sometimes you crush their soul over the garbage. And then other times you just do it yourself. So you're inconsistent. God bless you not judging you. But it's true. true is true. It's not mean you're inconsistent. And then it causes us to have trouble around expecting them to do more because they like get mixed messages. 


Another reason that we do less for our kids is because we really, truly have control issues. And we just want it done our way that goes to the faster better. But there's also like, what if they did it well, and they did it fast, but there's still something about it you didn't like, that's a real huge reason why we end up doing more for our kids then is probably healthy and appropriate for their age, whatever their age, maybe. Here's a really good one. I've thought about this a lot. We haven't really trained them. Instead we say you're old enough. You should know how to do this. You should understand this. I gotta take you by my charger just got back from a road trip. And I don't know where my while you know that me driving home. So, gosh, let me see if I can get one of my kids chargers. Darn it. Shoot, shoot. All right, I'll figure this out. So one of the things is sorry, I lost my train of thought just for a second. I think I can outlast this. I think I can beat the phone here. Especially if I stop talking about this. 


Oh, we haven't really trained them very well. So we say you're old enough you should know how to do something but you know what? their confidence is low and one of the reasons their confidence is low is because we pick on this stuff that they do do. And we say it's not right so at some point, they're like, Oh my gosh, screw this. I can try I can do it and everything but I'm gonna get it's not going to be right anyway. So I'm just gonna skip all that and not do it. And they'd rather pay the consequences then to deal with that you're dissatisfied with them. So I truly believe in teaching kids and showing kids and letting them do it their way to their own standard. Honestly, I do not say anything. I do not care about the state of my kids rooms. God, I think I have to pause this. I'll finish this in a minute.


Okay, part two, well, you know, I'm a mom, that definitely checks out doesn't it gotta go in the middle of a thing. Okay, so back to how to do less for your kid without feeling like you're neglecting them without feeling guilty. There are so many good selling points if you will, for for me to use really to inspire you to influence you to back away and do less for your kids so they can do more for themselves so that you can do more for yourself, which is exactly the proper balance of things, right? When you're doing more for yourself, because you're not doing all these things that you're supposed you think you're supposed to be doing for your kids, then you get some freedom, then you're a happier person. And then and then they get to feel less baby, less micromanaged. 


They get to feel more autonomy, more respect, more choice, those are all things that all people like. So it really does work. Now, I left off on that maybe we just haven't properly trained them. And we haven't done it with a lot of with a lot of compassion, you know, without being like, you don't have to do this, you know, gosh, what's wrong with you, but just being like, hey, let me tell you, because honestly, it's taking me It had taken me like, like, into my 30s to have like my process for washing dishes or my strategy. And my probably late 20s for doing laundry. Like it takes a long time to sort of like get those grooves with things. Some kids are early, some kids are late, some kids just need to, like know where to start. Depending on how your kid's brain is wired, it might be really cool for you to help them understand like how things work, they might have several misconceptions about a certain chore or job. And you can help them with that. Like how cool is that? 


Okay, so one of the reasons that we do it is because this one's so sad, we deep down think that when we do a lot, a lot of things for other people like the bend over backwards kind of stuff and kind of murdery kind of five, that we do it because we're trying to earn love. And we equate love with doing things for other people. Now if your love language is acts of service like that definitely checks out with that definitely adds up. But I also want you to look at, okay, that's how you express love now is that how your children receive love is it through acts of service, you've doing all these things for them, that they feel like the most connected to you. Because that's worth checking out, I'm going to put again, I always do this, I'm going to put the links, or there's one link, and then there's like a choice, you can be team couple, whatever, different choices of the love language quizzes, if you want to check that out with your kid and see what their love languages, if it's not acts of service, and they really want to be doing more things for themselves. Because you're just doing it. I don't know, I lost my sentence there. 


But it would be good to know, I'll just tell you that and come back to me if you're like, Okay, we did the quizzes now what are you talking about? Vanessa, I'll get into that with you. All right. Another reason is that we want to save them from hardship. But let me go back a step. That thing like that's a very much like a, our parents and probably some of us in our generation and mid 40s 50 years old, where it's like you really did have to earn your heat, there was a lot of that going on. And, and we felt like we had to prove that we were worthy of being a part of the family or something like there's something like that. And you know, you don't have to run around like a crazy person, doing so many things and holding yourself to very, very high standards in your family and your home and your household. 


You really don't have to do that to be worthy of being part of the family, you as a mom. And then I don't think you want to perpetuate that with your kids. Everything's about grades, or it's your job or your keep grades, chores, chores, chores, chores like I could right now. Well, there's only one of my kids here right this minute. But I could say hey, can you help me with something? And she'd say, works? I'm taking a nap right now cuz I had a really rough night. But I would say hey, can you help me with these dishes? And she'd be like, Yeah, can I do it at this time? Or sure I'll do it right now. Like literally, I wish there could be that Well, I do have a camera in here. But I wish that I could like show you that people are cooperative when you treat them with respect. And I'm sure you've had examples of that, too. 


There is nothing that my kids if I said hey, can you guys throw my laundry in, it could even be my problem, not even like their dishes or their stuff. And they would want to help me because I don't need to make them a chore list for them to contribute. I can just ask for what I need. Or if they're not keeping up their end of the deal with something that really is their problem or they're inconveniencing or not considerate of the public space. You know, the common areas or something? 


Like I can easily just say like, Oh yeah, can you get all your crap out of here? And they'd be like, Oh, yeah, sorry, I was had run to the bathroom or something, you know, there's not a lot of juice like fire around that stuff here. It's pretty cool. It's pretty amazing. I wrote in my book, I think, somewhere where I was like, Hey, girls, your bathrooms nasty. Can you please clean it? And I hear them say, Okay, oh, this is when my oldest kid lived here. And I and I said, Hey, can you guys go clean the bathroom? Three of them. And, and they were like, okay, I call this I call that I call that where's the stuff? Oh, Mom. Okay, did it uh, let's do it. Okay, I'm gonna do my part in like, when you guys are done, okay? Dun, dun. They're teamwork. They're working together. And they're doing it like, come on. 


I guess I'm bragging pretty hard here. But that is what happens when you expect more of your kids. But you do it in a way that's super respectful. It's a thing super respectful. Now, sometimes we don't want our kids to do more than and they could do more to help, we're scared to ask them because oh my gosh, they've had such a hard day. Now there's something to that with having compassion and everything, but saving kids from hardship. And aka what, how we learn making mistakes. That is that you know, when I'm saying it, like, it's actually not our job to save our kids from hardship, you intellectually have that fact in your, in your being that you know that every time you've been saved from something you didn't learn, it's going through something the hard way and suffering that had you learn. 


So if you're looking at why you do too much for your kid, and you feel guilty, if you don't do everything they asked, right, when they asked all the time, and plus 10 things that they didn't even ask for that they totally expect when you're in that mode. Because you want to save them from just being pissed at you, or being disappointed or upset, you got to get that you're not doing them a favor. All right. Um, now this one will point you in kind of a cold direction to look. And this is like a double whammy. If they're too busy and stressed to do the basics. 


You know, just like basic stuff that you need them to do in the house, maybe basic as laundry, maybe it's not, but you know, just like being a contributing, you know, citizen, I guess you could say, right? Not for love. But just because, you know, it's they have stuff and they need to manage their stuff. So in that case, if they're too busy, they're too stressed. That could be why they don't have the bandwidth to do the things that need to be done. And you need to take a look good look, are limited this way. You need to take a good listen and say like, do you like your life the way it is, does it feel like it's too much, because I gotta tell you, it is pretty tough to hear the kids on my end of things, my clients, you know, saying that they have to do this. And then they have to this, they have this lesson. And then they have that class, and then they have that tutor, and then they have that prep class and then they have all their home work, then they have practice and then they have band and that they have all this stuff to do and then they're still expected to just do so much at home. 


So if you want them to do so much at home, you know and like step up and learn the skills then something has to give where kids in the rat race doing all this crazy stuff wearing themselves down. Like before they even, you know, turn 18 like that's that's not what you're perpetuating. Is it? I don't mean that sound shamy but I really don't think that's what you truly desire for for people you love. I don't maybe you do. I don't know. Let's talk about that. If you disagree with me, like come up, like talk about it with me. 


All right, um, one thing is we another thing, this is number nine, I should have been telling you the numbers are 10. Sorry. Maybe I said that in the first part. We don't count on them. They come through we listened to our kids small we think they're incapable. Therefore they act and capable. Therefore we think of them and capable, therefore they act in capable. I don't think I need to keep going on. But we don't think where do we don't realize how much they can do. One great example of this is like, you know, like, Ben, he's three in preschool, he'll go there. And they're like, he cleans up everything. He wants to clean up everything you were like, he wasn't clean up here. But he wants to clean up that school. And it's like, well, they probably just expect that up in that school. And they think of course he can do it. And they must make it more fun. And then we must say, oh, we'll just do it later. 


So we don't step on these cars and Legos everywhere. But he's so capable of doing it. And we just don't capitalize on the fact that he is so that's another reason why we do too much. We haven't really tested the waters that kind of does go back to number 1234 or five, six to where we really know five training where we do really want to make sure that they know how to do this stuff in the first place. Okay, number two, it's hard, it's too hard to let them fail or struggle and we aren't tough enough for it. So this isn't about us, thinking of them small are incapable or, you know, whatever, week ish.


What this is actually about is we're not tough enough to watch them figure something out day after day, like, here's a really good example, I hear this a lot, very much. And it's about like, you know, we go to pick up my kid every day for school, and if I don't, then he won't go or he'll be late, and then he'll miss a test or whatever. So I can't do that. The kids waking their own self up saying, oh, no alarm, we'll get through to them, not even the fire truck could come by, they wouldn't wake up that or that. It's not as true as you think it is, it's more of a choice than you realize it is. And it's something that they're gonna have to figure out. 


So if you're spending 30 minutes, 15 minutes, even five minutes every morning, trying to drag your kids out of bed and pouring water on them spraying the spray bottle and pots and pans, horrible noises on the phone threatening yelling, okay, when we're dying, it'd be nice, you go back in and they're sleeping in. Like, that's a really good starting point. If your kid already doesn't have that worked out, that's a really good starting point of something that you can do less for your kid and not feel guilty, they're going to be late, they're going to blame you. They're going to be mad at you. And then they're going to master this thing called, I can wake myself up, oh, maybe I should go to bed earlier. 


All these things are going to occur to them. Maybe I should put my phone and then charge it. Maybe I should put my stuff out in the morning so I can sleep more since I'm in charge of this. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, all these dominoes fall? And then they're like, Yeah, I know how to wake myself up in the morning and get myself going. They get to own that. That is a big deal. Kids are proud of that. That's not a small thing. It's a big deal. And then how much they feel like babies because you treat them like babies because they act like babies when you perpetuate the other thing. So the big question about what comes first the chicken or the or the egg? 


Do we treat them like they're lazy? Or are they are they lazy first? I don't know. I don't even believe in laziness. I want to write something about that soon. I don't think that's the thing. I think that our kids try to punish us all the time by doing things that occur like laziness, but actually it's quite calculated. Think about that. All right. So Monday training, I'm doing another one tomorrow. I have topics written down and I'll write it tonight. But Monday training, so I can't like tease it to you. But it'll be good. I'm sure how to do less for your kid without feeling like you're neglecting them without feeling guilty. 


That's today, the 10 things and I'll put the notes and if you want the transcript, which is separate, I mean, like I'll put the one through 10 in writing, I'll do that automatically. But if you want the transcript or you want to share this with someone, you just let me know I'm here for you. Thanks for waiting for me today with my really rough morning and, and thanks for being here. If you are watching the replay, then tell me if you like this or not tell me if you liked it, and if you can't share it, because we're here in a private group. But if you want people to see all these amazing trainings, like I said, I'm gonna do 10 trainings in the next Monday through Friday, Monday through Friday, I might even do them on Saturday and Sunday like I'm so into this. And that'll lead up to my Monday through Friday, November 1 through fifth free workshop which is different than these little training set up that are all different topics. That is all building toward, get through to your team. It's amazing. Okay, I'll talk to you later and love ya. Bye.


NOTES: 


Why do we do too much????

We do it better/faster.

They push back and we can't deal with that!

We want to save them from hardship.

We don't count on them/expect them to come through.

It's too hard for US to let them struggle or fail because we are not tough enough to watch them live and learn.

Why can't we seem to get them to get onboard with personal responsibilities?

We are inconsistent with our expectations/messages.

We need it done our way, no exceptions.

We haven't trained them properly.

They are way too busy and stressed to the basics.


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