How to Stop Having Power Struggles
This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!
Okay, we're doing it in the car today. Look I have behind me. Is that Ben? Oh, that light doesn't help here. Do you want to see, oh, I can't read it. My arms are too short. Okay, so today we're talking about power struggles. And we are going over to Starbucks. It's like 645. As you know, in my town, I'm actually in Vegas now still here, because we're here to support my wife for playing in the World Series of Poker. And we're at a condo that we're renting. And then later, we're going to drive after a couple of my morning clients, we're going to drive back to Phoenix and keep doing her crazy back and forth deal until she until she's done and sometime in November. So I and so she's sleeping right now.
So I took them for a ride, because she stood up late winning a bunch of money on an online tournament. Isn't that cool? Alright, so power struggles actually exhibit A, right He, then, hi. He's a great example. These power struggles, they start when the kids are little, and they don't stop and they won't stop. And there's something we can do about it. So it's like, like, they want something, they feel something, they desire, something, they don't want something. And what happens, I think the ministers like what I observe, I might with my five teenagers growing up, and like raising them and everything. And then even within that just a little three years old, tired, but and so this is what I observed.
If they want something, and then we somehow in this weird, weird split second moment decision, we decide that what they want is somehow not okay, and not valid. And it's garbage that they want it. And then we get oh, yeah, we do need to go to the carwash. Let's do it. Okay, um, the we then it likes it. Like, it's like this. They want something. It's their gear, this is a gear, okay? They want something. And then all the sudden it's like, we're fine until they want something. It's like, Are there stops? And we're like, all right, Grinding Gears. And and it's so so avoidable. Many of you may remember, what worked when they were this little, sometimes actually maybe a little younger than this, because it's not really the same right now for him actually already, which is you can sort of like redirect, redirect.
Now. That is not a thing with teenagers and tweens. Not really. And so we've got to have new moves, the reason that you're fighting all the time, and they say, I want this and you say no, by the way, I'm doing one this week, a training, I forgot which day it is, it might be tomorrow or Wednesday, where the title of it is, is your something about your attitude, and there's like your attitude about theirs. Because that is such a huge player in it. And I'll bring that in a little bit now. So the minute that they go, like ever say they want you know, oh man have a glass of water. And that's like two or three on like the passion of wanting something right? Then they want something like, I don't know, you know, something expensive or some privilege that you're just like, not ready for new or so fear based and scared about this thing.
And so the minute that they get up to like a, an eight or a 10 or something of wanting something, then you come in within 10 or 12 of them of you not wanting it. What you do is you turn their eight or 10 into a freaking 45 It's It's you It's me, we are the ones who who have their desire amp up to such a high degree we do that we do that? Because and then what we do is we teach them that when somebody's desire is counter to our desire. Oh, it's time to go oh, let's go let's go right like we we show them so they go harder, we go harder. It turns into a war. Another word for power struggle is war. And I know you know what it feels like to be in a war in your house. It's rough. It's hard. They go they they bring a water gun. You bring a pellet gun. You bring a pellet gun, they bring a BB gun, they bring you bring a BB gun, they bring a you know a real gun like, I'm not.. Sorry about the gun thing I know that's definitely sensitive.
But do you see what I'm saying? Like, it's like, next thing, you know, it's like, Okay, I've got a rocket launcher, and I got a cannon and and it just turned into your life is, then this is funny. Then someone says something like, Can I have a glass of water? And it's like, go get it yourself, you know, and there's no mercy and there's no generosity, it's just like, Oh, I gotta be ready because this person I'm struggling for power with is, is provoking me. And now I've got to assert my power. And then I just was thinking you probably saw me think it's a rare sighting.
That's what wars are about power, power over land, power over money, power over, you know, resources. And, and so, when, okay, so let me so you get the picture. I know, you know what I'm saying? I'm just putting it into some words. So what we do next is instead of pushing back, see, this is the thing, it's not about us. It's not about us that they want something. It's not personal. They're not like, I'm gonna wake up and frighten my mom by this desire that I have. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna let her have an easy day. I'm going to torture my dad by making him think I'm much more grown up than I am. But I am. You know, and it's like, they don't do it. It's not about us as nothing, nothing to do with us until the war starts. But originally what it is, is they're exploring, they're developing, they're creating their identity. And they're, they just are, they're, they're experimenting.
They're trying to figure out like, what's okay, what's not okay. Starbucks is right there. And I'm going to finish up here in just a minute. And then we're gonna go over there and we're going to tell them what we want. What are you going to order? Kpop and milk in my coffee, and mommy's coffee. Okay, what's my name? No, it's not 70 He knew it. NASA. Yeah. NASA. And, and am I am I your favorite? Mommy? is definitely your favorite mommy. Yeah, I knew it. I knew we both were. Okay. So what we've got to do is this is where so much of what I talk about comes in.
This is where self care comes in. You're bumping along, you're barely hanging in there, right? And then somebody says something that terrifies you that triggers something from your past, Oh, boys, girls, you know, pregnancy, alcohol, DUIs grades, being judged, like a million things can come up when they say this one thing that's actually quite honestly, likely highly likely pretty innocent on their part. But you're chugging along at like a two out of 10. And your self care and your stress level is like 10 out of 10, then then you they just like set you off, set you off. And that's not their fault. But what you accidentally do is you start if I talk louder, he gets all excited. And he wants to like, have his moment. What do you turn to have your moment?
So So So, we are the ones who started, we started, we start the struggle, they don't start the struggle, we start the struggle, if you can really stand in the place where you start the struggle, and it's not them. They start them now, but Okay, so how do you rewind, you acknowledge, always acknowledged, you talk about the elephant in the room, you talk about the truth. You say, hey, you know what? I've been spooked. I've been scared. I've been triggered by all kinds of stuff, which I would love to tell you about some time why I'm like that about this and why I'm like that about that. You know, definitely vulnerability. Heck, yes. Heck, yes. Then you say, like, I noticed that every time you want something, I'm a no, I'm a just a walking around. No. And I'm a scared mom. And I'm a scared dad. And I worry so much. And I want to like limit and control and confine your growth and development because of my fear.
And I'm working on that. I know I'm shutting you down. I know I'm shutting down things that you want, and then you go harder. Do you go harder, like do you want? Do you act like you want something more than you do? Just because I said no. Oh, boy. You'll get some answers right there. I asked those questions to teenagers who I work with one on one all the time and I work with their parents too. And they're like, oh, Yeah, I don't even want that. I didn't even care about that. And now I go hard about that, because they're pissing me off. Like, it's the fly on the wall, if you could do one in my conversations with the teenagers, you got to trust me on this, okay? So ask them and and admit that you are scared or, or you want dominance, or you're authoritarian, and you can't let go of anything you can't compromise, like, be honest about how you've been, and tell him you want to be different.
And then, you know, like, it's okay, once once the shooting in the fighting has stopped, which could take a little while because you guys are still like about each other, then what you do is, is when they want B I N? That's awesome. I never heard you say that before. As your job is your lead show me? Oh, like, okay. We go away, go away. Go. So, so then you just, they want something and you say, calm, you just talked it. And finally, like, if you're your employee, or your or your boss, or Okay, I'm gonna roll down your windows, look at what's over there. If someone needed something from you, and you weren't ready to give it to them, or you couldn't give them the whole thing, what they were asking, would you just say, no. You know, no, you'd say, Let me think about that, oh, I don't really have the bandwidth. My wife hates when I say bandwidth. I don't know why it's funny. You know, you'd say actually, I'd love to do that for you, I'm going to have to put you here in line.
Because these are the things I have, could you help me with these, and then I can help you with that faster, or financially speaking, you could say, Okay, so here's my budget, this is what I've got going on, I would love to do that. But this is about how much I want to spend on you a month. And remember that thing we just bought, like you've talked to them. When we roll it up, you talk to him like a person. That's all it is you just talk to them, like want me to roll it up or down, down, just talk to them like a person, you'll be amazed at how they come back. And sure they're still going to be in a bad mood sometimes and give you crap, that doesn't mean this isn't the right thing to do to talk to your teenager and model or model, mature, wise types of communication like that's always gonna win, and it and then I've gotta warn you, it's not like any I told you that.
It's not like be fake and like, hold it all. And it's not like suit, it's like really like, You got to get grounded and centered and cleaned out and taken care of. So that you can come from like a very sober place when your kids make requests from you, and it doesn't need to turn into a power struggle. Now, one little caveat that I'd add, you're never going to stop having power struggles if your main goal with your kids is to have power over them. If the truth is you want power and control, It more looks like control, dominance control protection, and you're like, you're reading all of their, their emails and texts and Snapchats and you're like all over them. You're gonna have a world of hurt.
Okay, we're gonna go right now. So so if you really do want to control them, the power struggles are never going to end because I'm sorry to say this, but you've got to look in the mirror. I'm not sorry. What are you talking about? Vanessa? You've got to look in the mirror and say to yourself, like, do I want to be controlled as a person? Does that take away my human rights? My autonomy even though Yeah, their kids will get into it later. Okay, I got an order. Thank you guys.