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Importance of Self Love

October 20, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

Hi, how are you? So I am so excited to talk about this topic with you. It matters to me a lot. It's kind of a new topic for me to tell you the truth. Self love is a really big deal. And I thought that I could like do my whole entire life and have an awesome life and just skip that part. Because it sounds so stupid. Love myself? Why, I just put up with myself. Isn't that enough work? And it's a lot of work that I've been doing on this, and I'd like to share that with you. 


And honestly, a lot of the work has come from since I started this book, so I'm going to show you a book, I think it will be backwards, but I'll put the link to it. It says it's lovability. You can tell it's all tattered by Robert Holden. And it's so cool. So I wrote a course; I teach a course online. And this guy, Robert Holden, I wrote to him and I said, Hey, I want to direct people to you, in my book. And in my course, actually, it's in both and I need you to like be okay with that. I wanted to get permission, obviously. And he wrote me right back. And I had shared with him what I was up to. And he's like, Oh, my gosh, and he gave me so much encouragement. And this was a while ago. So it's just, I guess you could say in a way, like he showed me that love. And that really nurtured what I was up to just knowing that there's someone out there who's up to something like me, like trying to, there are so many of us, but like to talk to him. And just get his encouragement and his blessing. In a way it just felt really good. 


Okay, so I'm going to talk to you about the opposite of self love first, okay. It's not necessarily self hatred. But hey, that's a lot more common than you think. Oh, and I was also going to say, a lot of what I realized about myself was actually taught to me, by working with clients. It's kind of like when you see like doctors smoking, and you're like, you're a doctor, how can you smoke like, Oh, well, I don't do every thing that I can talk about. I'm a human being, it is so hard to be a human being. And I've got so much stuff that you know, that I that I deal with all the time. And so it was through my clients being dealing with this and me being to being able to be objective and unbiased and a stand for who they are. And what's possible that I'm like, hey, Dennis, I think this is something that you could work on, too. 


So then my friend Christine, who I used to work with, when we worked for Brendon Burchard. That's Oprah Winfrey's life coach. And he's like, all over the place. You could look him up: Brendon Whitney Burchard, that's who trained me, that's how I started being a professional coach. And I love him. And I love his work. He has so many books out my favorite one is motivation Manifesto, it will knock you over. And if you could read it 1000 times in a row and get more out of it. And it's written like a manifesto. So like, if you're into that style of writing, I love it. I love him. And I love you, Christine, for giving me this book. Okay, so the opposite Now, imagine I do this all the time with myself with others. Imagine that you're two people, you're not one person. You're not just like, I'm Vanessa. I'm on two people, and I'm my boss. And I'm, well,


Sorry, let me actually do this a little bit better. Let's say you're three people, okay. And I'll write this in the notes. You're the visionary. You're like the dreamer, you're the one who knows what you want for your life. And you try to like, make your dreams come true, right? There's this visionary version of you, then there's the manager version of you. That's kind of like the one who does all the logistics and figuring out how everything's going to work in the day and thinks about everyone else all the time, and figures out how it's all going to come together and plans vacations and you know, whatever, right? The date nights and the schedules, you know what I'm talking about, you're managing all of it. 


Then there's the technician, the worker, the one who actually does all the things like the driving and the cooking, and the helping with homework, and then your own jobs and your own personal work. And you're the tech or the technician, the worker, that one is actually the one who's doing the workouts and not just planning them, but going to do them. The one who spends their time doing the work is what I'm referring to as the worker. 


And then the manager is the one who's planning not just the work, their own workers stuff, but all these other workers stuff. And then there's the visionary who it's like, Hello, hello, like you forgot them because you're just you forgot the vision of this organization. Sometimes when we're so caught up in the minutiae And the manager is just like, oh my god, we're behind. We're behind deadlines. deadlines, people, right? Keep pick up the pace, you're slowing us down. You're the weak link. Like I get my point right? Here are the winkling. No, I gotta do it. I won't edit this, but it's like, you're the weak link. 


Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Right? And that's what we feel like As parents, we just feel like we're like in this constant management mode. Now. Let's leave the visionary out for a minute. Okay, cuz that's like, obviously, who I speak to when I coach people like, Who are you really like? What did you have in mind for your life? Is this it? Oh, no, okay, let's refer back to who you really are, and what you really desire, what you really stand for, like integrity stuff, right? So that's who I coach, I coach, the visionary in you, the higher self, the the, the God in you, however, you want to look at that, right? Your your best self, your higher self, all that. Now, who I'm talking to you right about right now is the manager. 


So imagine, you've you probably don't have to imagine very hard. Imagine you've got a boss, and you're a worker, and you've got this manager and your manager hates you, your manager thinks you're so annoying, your manager thinks you don't look good enough, your manager, your manager thinks that you're always growing up, always points out what you're doing wrong is really critical, okay. And then the stuff that your manager is supposed to do for you, like, provide you breaks or pay you on time, or whatever, give you direction, and proper guidance, and support and encouragement and all the things that ideally a wonderful manager or leader would do. No, no, I don't do that. I just bust your ass around. 


That's all I do. And you know what, you better work faster, you better work harder, and I'm gonna be kind of a dick to you. And I want you to do better, do better still do better still? Nope, it's not good enough. But I still want you to do better. Like, can you hear this angriness inside. So that's what we do. I mean, inside the worker, like you want me to do more and more and more, and oh, my God, and that, and you're gonna, like, suck the life out of me. I'm sorry, this is real, but but like, you've got to get that that is how we treat our own self. We expect ourselves to be super human. And many of us, not all of us. Many of us do not nurture ourselves. We do not take the kind of care and I love my friend Lily calls it in her coaching practice. Self leadership, we don't lead ourselves the way that we would like to be led. 


So now the question is, does that worker when they move up the rings to manager? Do they just do what the manager did to them without thinking and say yeah, that's how we manage we're mean we're tough. We're unrelenting. We got to get those results at any cost. We don't care how you feel. We don't care what you need. We don't care if you're hungry. We don't care. You know, if we have to insult you all day long to get you to move so you have that edge. We don't care. Or do you say oh my gosh, that felt so bad to be run around like that and to be unappreciated like that? I gotta say, I think being under or unappreciated is probably one of the most difficult things for me to cope with in my life like i don't i'm sure I could I have done a lot of that work but it's like notice known seen heard.


It's, it's a tough one. And I don't mean on a superficial level at all. I mean, like known for who I am. And what I'm up to that to win win. I guess that's kind of the story with Robert Holden, right? The author of the book i'm about to share. That's what it felt like he's like, he said something, I could find the email. But like, he said something that was like, Oh, you get me. Interesting. You know, what makes me tick, like you actually get me that special. If that guy say, I could never have a boss, I'd be the worst employee on Earth. I'm a total Maverick. But I get fired every single day. And I again hired every single day to because I'm awesome, then I get fired the next day, and it would just be this whole thing. 


So anyway, if he if you were my boss, and he asked me to do something, I will do anything for that guy. I'll do anything that he wants me to do. He'll be like, Oh, I want you to and I'll be like, what, what is that? I don't know what you're talking about. I figure it out. Because he believes in me. He was kind to me. He has great intentions and he's he's someone I look up to and admire, and I want to be like him, right? So that's something to look at a couple ways. You and you for sure. The menial manager, boss you telling yourself what to do all day, ripping yourself up one side and down the other to make sure that you stay in line. That's one way to look at it. 


Then the other way is, how are your kids gonna be your workers, if you will, although I would rather teach people and this is what I do how to develop the manager in their children, instead of needing to be the manager, because that's actually none of your business. We need to teach them to be managers not tell them what to do all day. That's painful, that's ugly, but that's what scalable, that's what we need to do. Okay, so,

my wife, he doesn't mean audio message, I'll get right back to you. I don't even want to my life stuff in there. Just kidding. 


Okay, so now the book, you have to read this book. It's kind of redundant. It's kind of repetitive, but I know he does it on purpose. Because we are so dumb when it comes to love. So I'm going to read you says lovability has an E when you look it up, but I'm going to put the link in love with an E ability. Like if it was spelled right, they would take the E out because of English language. Let me just show you love ability. And it says knowing how to love and be loved. Now, being loved is hard. I think it's easier for us to love someone than it is to accept love. That is really hard for me, I don't know about you. 


So I'm going to read you the back. Okay. It says a quote love is your destiny. It is the purpose of your life, it is the key to your happiness, and to the evolution of the world. lovability is a meditation on love, it addresses the most important thing you will ever learn. All the happiness, health and abundance you experience in life comes from your ability to love and be loved. That's a bold statement and I buy it. This ability is innate, not acquired. I love how much he talks you'll see in the book about the art condition self and the one who's you know, sold all the lies and hurt and therefore believes things that are not true. And develops, you know, strong grips on beliefs that are just total shit. And and that's not us. 


So we're peeling away and getting back to what's innately like my three year old Ben, you know, pure, and just a bundle of love. Robert Holden, he's the creator of a unique program on love called love ability. He teaches this all over the world. So this book is like about his program, he's helped 1000s of people to transform their experience of love. Love is the real work of your life only God, I love that. As you release the blocks to love, you flourish even more in your relationships, work and life. If you think there's anything good about me even a little bit, I just need you to get the direct impact that this book has had on me being okay with myself. And being as bold and consistent. And and confident as I am in my work. Like I need you to get that the love part is not i'm not hustling over here and trying to earn anything. Approval of myself like this is self love in action. That's a really weird thing to say about myself. But that's that's how that is for me. And especially reading this now as more and more time has passed reading this to you. I'm clear on that. 


So it says in lovability, Robert weaves a beautiful mix of timeless principles and helpful practices about the nature of true love with great intimacy and warmth. He shares stories, conversations, meditations and poetry that have inspired him in his personal inquiry on love. So and then it talks about the themes. When you think something is missing in a relationship, it is probably you. self love is how you are meant to feel about yourself. It is the key to loving others. So you've got to get Okay, obviously, you know, this is tied into parenting, right? So how are you going to love your kids and show the love that you want to show that is in your heart? How are you not gonna Mangle that up if you don't love yourself? Like, I don't do shortcuts. I don't do band aids. This is it. If you don't have your self love, like Hi, the top of your priority list, you don't have a chance with getting through to your kids the way that you know that you can you know you can. And it's scary. And it's hard and some of you have done this work and you're doing it and it changed your life. And some of you were never raised to not feel this way and I freaking hate you. 


My parents raised me away on purpose but there's just things that that you know, happen and messages that are sent and inadvertently not even by parents but by the world and we get really messed up about love. So it's time to mess it up. You know, the greatest influence you can have in any situation is to be the presence of love. And this is the perfect time. Oh, and he's a cutie pie too. He's a little British guy. I don't know what it looks like now because this is older but anyway, he's adorable. But I wanted to say that the other day I was doing yoga because self care self love, I'm not full of crap. And and the teacher Sentra, she said, growth comes from and I think you could sub many words for growth, success, growth. Whatever, like pretty much anything comes from not focusing, not fighting for again, sorry, growth comes not from fighting the bad, but for loving the good. Not fighting the bad, loving the good. 


So if this is your kid, in your view, okay, and this little, like this little teeny like, is what's good in your judgmental view, cuz you're judging yourself so you're judging them tell you read this book, you got to look at that all you got to do all you can do your only work is to grow that little spot that is love that is good and love that spot that is good I mean, and and the more you do that, and the less you focus in Ooh, you're gonna feel like a bad parent feels super counterintuitive. But the less you focus on what they're doing wrong, the more they're going to do things, right. And there's a whole topic, I probably will do this very, very soon, about, like, what you think is wrong might not even be wrong, you've really got to look at that more closely than you ever have before. There are a lot of your opinions that you think are the truth, and you're righteous about them. And we all do this, it's not just you, and, and we're squashing our kids and it's intended as protection, but it's actually disrespectful and controlling. And our kids are going to, oh, they're gonna snap back. 


So if you're dealing with a lot of chaos and tension, you've got to understand that it's so related to everything I'm saying here. Now listen, you've got to get into my five day group, it's going to be a show awesome. That's why I'm wearing lipstick right now, because I was just like filming a video. And I guess you have to wear lipstick when you film videos, I don't know. But you're going to go into the link that I'm going to put on the comments, you're going to type in your first name, you're going to type in your last name, you're going to type in your email address, and you're done. It's free, it's November 1 through fifth, I'm going to be doing a very specific workshop that is is all in line with how to connect with your teenager, connect with your teenager, how to connect with your teenager, do you want to connect with your teenager, because I think that everything would be different if you were truly connected and bonded with your teenager, if you're a nine out of 10, let's go for 12 out of 10. If you're a one out of 10, let's make it eight out of 10. Like that's the kind of results that people get from doing this kind of work with me. 


So I want you to get into my training, I want you to get into my workshop. You can register now and then it starts on November 1. And we're going for the whole week, Monday through Friday, or the part of the week and then you're just going to love it. It's going to change you and you're going to like it because it's going to be more you not some other version of you. All right, very good talk. I'll put some notes together in the link for sure. And then we'll go from there. See you tomorrow.


NOTES

Loveability by Robert Holden

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