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What Are You Doing To Get The Exact Opposite of What You Want With Your Teens?

October 4, 2021

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This is a transcription for Vanessa’s video training. If you’d prefer to watch or listen to the video, click the link above to view it in her Facebook group. You may need to request to join the group.

Good morning. It's Monday. So this training is like exactly what you're doing. I'm going to show you exactly, I love the word exactly, like exactly. What am I doing? Right? Like we always say, What am I doing? Why isn't it working? I don't know what to do. 


I'm literally here with like, exactly exactly like you really want to know the answer, or is that rhetorical? That's a good question. Do you really want to know what you're doing? That's getting you the exact opposite results? Like, like, Oh, I want to have enough money to go on vacation for fall break. While I'm over at the mall, buying random sales shit that I don't need, like, why don't I have any money? I'll tell you exactly why. Because you're going to the mall and buying random shit on sale. You see what I'm saying? Like, like, it's human nature to the human experience. 100% It's me too. It's everybody. So much of what we do is like blind, we're blind to the fact that it's the exact opposite, it's getting us the exact opposite thing of what we want. 


Okay, so I wrote this exercise last night. And it really, really impacted me, I was like, this is a big deal. So I want to read it to you. I know that's not the best but I think maybe I can improvise a little bit. But what we're going to look at here are the four actually main things that you may be doing. And even if it's a little bit, it's worth a shift, right? The four main things you may be doing that are getting you the exact opposite results. But in the meantime, you literally think that they're the exact right thing to do, or maybe more likely, you haven't really investigated to ask yourself, Is this really what I want to be doing? Because it's just what my parents did, or it's what I think other parents are doing, or it's what I think I should be doing, right? So we're not going to do this one, from the perspective of me talking to you, as a parent to a parent, or coach to a client. Okay? 


Right now, what I want you to do, I'm going to walk you through like a like, I think you could call it a visualization, just like a mental little guidance that I'm going to give you right now. Okay? So what I want you to do is go back in your mind, I want you to get still even if you're driving, like turn off the radio, like, I don't know what you're doing. Hi, what are you doing, if you're in the replay, you know, like, just just stop, stop multitasking for a second, I just want five minutes here, maybe six. And I'll look at the clock here. Even I mean, and I want it, I want you to visualize something. So I want you to pick one of your kids. And I want you to think of yourself around their age 15, 13, 18, 22, whatever you've got going on even five. It's whatever you want, but I just want you to take yourself to a place of of where, what it was like to be, you know, a good 20, 30 years younger than you are now. Okay? 


Take a deep breath and really sit and think about what you look like, think about your room, think about what you were into. Just Just be with yourself at that point for just a second. Okay. I'm going to take you through the four blocks, and I'm going to have you imagine being on the receiving end of these actions and you know, parenting methods, I guess you could say, You're not the perp. You're the kid. And then no way do I want you to use this to judge yourself. I just want you to see something. Okay. So imagine, okay, well, I hold on. I was like about to have a moment and then I'm like, pulled up, pull up. That's me. 


Okay, so the first block Oh, actually, I think my notes are on the couch for that. Okay, so trying to the first block is no, I know how I wouldn't do this. Sorry, I got it. So imagine now being used by your mom, or your dad, or grandparents, to show their parents, the world to prove to themselves that they aren't good enough. Let that sink in. I'll say it again, imagine what it felt like, or it would feel like at that young age to know, because you're smart, and you always happen. And so are your kids being used, your behavior, your Look, your grades, your performance, is all part of what your parents need to prove to themselves to the world, or to your grandparents, their parents, that they're good enough. And you're like, part of that game they're running to prove their worth, via your life, you're a kid. 


Are you attached to how your kid does things, how they end up because of how it makes you look where your parents are attached to how your kid, how you did things? How you end up the decisions you make? Because of how it makes them look. Do you know what that feels like? You know what that feels like? Alright, now, second one. Imagine being worked over daily, with carrots to lead you forward, moving forward, prodding you on cara, little further, little more carrot, carrot, carrot whips to keep you in line. And the games, all the games. If you do this, then you can do that. Don't do this, then you can do that. If you do this, if you do that, don't do that. If you do this, then you can't have that. Oh, you did that? No, you can't have this. Give me your phone. We didn't have phones back then. Do you get it? The games. But the games, they only apply to you, you're the kid and they only apply to you. They don't apply to the person running the games, because they're an adult. And the same rules don't apply double standards are allowed, but only when other people put them into place, not when you do only other people. Just let that simmer for a minute how the games that we were looped into that our parents maybe ran on us how they start to feel like real life. So much so that that you don't know a life without conditions that must be met at all times, so that you can earn approval. And you know that approval feels a lot like love. What does it feel like? when you're a kid to be jerked around by and manipulated by bribes, and carrots and sticks. I know I said whips but you know what it means: the carrot and the stick. 


All right, number three. Now I want you to imagine being under a microscope as a kid as a teenager, but this microscope is different. It doesn't show the fullness of the organism or the cell, it only shows flaws. It only shows the undeveloped and underdeveloped parts of you. Imagine being told what does not work about you and what will not work about you in the future. Every single day. being measured constantly, told to do better, be better, act better look better? And really, if you could, you would. But something is telling you. And this is the intuition part of you. Even as a kid Yeah, they've got those intuition things. The conscience tells you that how you are is actually okay, because it's where you are right now. Why does everyone need you to stay perfect, or arrive at perfect? All right, the last one. 


Please imagine getting me please imagine the adults around you back then. trying too hard. To be something to do something to get somewhere to earn more, to weigh less, to show the world to teach you stuff to make points to protect you to control you to turn you out. Imagine all of them heads down, heads up, hurry, rush, do this, do that. Keep going. I'm doing this, I'm working, I'm supporting you. What else am I supposed to do? Right? Like, like, imagine them all trying to get somewhere. Maybe it wasn't even parenting related, maybe they were just trying to like please themselves somehow, but they were just trying so hard trying, like, they're never here, they're always trying to get there, wherever that is, whatever that meant to them. It but it was no matter what it was all about them, tried to pull something off. And it was never really about you. Not about who you are not about who you wanted to become or who you could become. If they were patient, if they were curious. If they could just stop trying, try stop trying and just be with you. 


What if they would have slowed down? What if they would have stopped? What if they would have woken up to the soul? That is you as a kid who is right in front of them? What would have been possible for you, if the adults in your life your parents, your teachers even had just stopped and looked at you, who you were, you were becoming what was possible for you. And really listened to you stop trying to whatever they were trying to do. But just was there were there with you? What would be possible in your life now? What would have been possible in your life, then, if you'd had that. And you know what you may have had that. It probably wasn't the norm, it probably wasn't every day. But when you did have that, what did that feel like? 


So these blocks, trying that we do as parents that give us the exact opposite results of the ones that we want. Trying to prove our worth via our kids performance. Using bribery and manipulation to force outcomes, block three, focusing on our perception of what's not acceptable. AKA negativity, or taking what's normal and calling it negative. Wow. And for trying too hard. Those feel bad to receive. And you can come out of your imagining of being a kid you can tell it just started talking to you back as your role as a as an adult, as a parent. You have a fully formed brain now, hey, we have fully formed brains. Now. Our kids don't, that probably won't happen until their mid late 20s. Are you caught up in these blocks? Is that what you're doing? 


What I'd like you to do today with this information with these four blocks, is I'd like you to notice that just notice them really like there's nothing really to do with it. Please don't use this to judge yourself. I just want you to wake up more a little bit more to what it is that what it's like to be on the receiving end of these things that parents do every day because they really think it's the right thing to do because they want to help their kids. 


All right, tell me what you think. Which one is your most? Most will the one that you try the most. Which one is the one you're really caught up in right now. What's the one that you did this morning? I know it's really hard to let go of those techniques, tactics, strategies, or whatever for parenting. And you really think and you believe and I believe that you believe that you're doing it, you know that you're going to eventually get the outcomes that you want the relationship that you want the influence that you want over your kids, but I'm no different because I'm talking to these kids every day. Every single day. I'm talking to kids who are talking about one of these things, or talking to my friends, kids and they're like oh I hurt them. Not like coaching your kids if they come over to my kids house to my house. It's just I'm listening. I just hear them even from the kitchen like the texts that I read from the parents. They're not reading god i'm not reading here kids text, but I mean hear them like they're just hearing them. So anyway, all right, take this and tell me what you think. What did you get? All right, good work.


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