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You're a Great Parent (On Paper)

October 24, 2021

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This is a transcript of the live training I did in my free private Facebook group called: Vanessa Baker Mindset: From MEAN to REAL CLEAN Join me there for lots of trainings and offer lots of daily, free, helpful stuff!!

Hi, I'm coming at ya from the Portland airport. I'm way early because all he had to drop me off because they had to Craig, because they had to work. And so go to work. So I'm like, Yay, I'm gonna get so much work done. By the way, this shirt looks weird. If you can't see the whole thing it says love. O V, oops, you can't rotate your phone. Hold on, you can't rotate from anyway, it says love. I just Just so you know, this is the okay, perfect fitting right? 


Now, what we're going to talk about is why we can look like good parents on paper. And then just something's missing. I dated a guy like that. I mean, I know what was missing with him. He wasn't a girl, and I wasn't out yet. But, but like, when I when I wasn't aware out, you know, or whatever. And I was dating this guy, it was like, around my senior year, junior senior year of college. And like, everything, everything was right. You know, like, he was outstanding in so many ways in the things that he did. And like, like, he was really great on paper. But there was something that was off about like his who he was being. 


And I'm not saying Oh, something was wrong with him. But it wasn't enough to keep me drawn to him or want to be involved in him because it felt like this is what it was, it felt like he was doing all the right things and going through the motions. And really, it wasn't really authentic, like I would have preferred if he was way more of a mess and didn't have it. So together and wasn't this like superstar phenom human, and, and had like been more natural, like more himself. And so the connection wasn't there. Actually, I'm kind of processing this in the moment. 


So as parents, this starts out before we even get pregnant sometimes or before we even file for, you know, or like do the papers for adoption, or however we get our baby, you know, or like, you know, when you start dating someone who has kids, and you think about how you're going to be a step mom or stepdad like this can go way back where you're just like, Okay, I'm not going to be like this, or I'm definitely going to be like that. And I'm going to no matter what my kid is going to do this, and I'm going to send them to this school. And I'm going to make sure that everything is just so so and you're like, you know, you could look back right now, like where you're standing, your kid is likely a teenager if you're watching stuff with me in it. 


And, and you could say I don't get it. I just don't get it. Why don't we have a relationship. I coached every team, I hear that all the time. I coached every team I was at every game my dad didn't even go to my games. My mom was you know, too worked up about herself to even like know what was going on. I'm so involved with my kids life, right? So you're so involved, check that check that you're doing this right check that you're doing that right check that check that on paper, your list of all the things that a good mom, or a good dad does, you're checking them all off, you get an a nobody, you you don't hurt your kids, you don't neglect your kids, your kids always have more than what they need. They have enough stuff in their room, the retail value of which could feed a small country, I'm sure, you know, like many of us are definitely that bless other of us is like would say something different. But like, mostly our kids are here. 


If you're using your phone or your computer right now and you're on Facebook, you're more blessed than most people in the entire world. So please don't let me sound privileged by saying that I hope that came out right. But like, our kids have a lot. Even those of us who don't have a lot. Our kids have a lot compared to anyway, you get what I'm saying. So on paper on paper, everything looks great. But then something is missing. What is that thing? How can we do better? How can we feel like we're really connecting. And that's, that's what's missing, right? Is connection, like something real to connect. 


Also, I'd like to point out that our kids can look like they've got it all together on paper, oh, they're on the teams, and they're got voted for this. And they tried out for that. And they're, you know, starring in this and they're starting on that and their applications are in and their acceptance letters are back and their scholarships and their papers and what their teachers say and their grades and their metrics and all this stuff, right? Everything looks so good on paper, but something's just not quite right. Like something's off. Okay, so my very professional, non doctory diagnosis for this because this is just the life diagnosis. Is that that this feeling of like, what's the problem? I've done everything right. And they've done everything quote, right. And it's not adding up to like real joy and happiness and fun and laughter and the sense of satisfaction and fun filament that we were all sold, that if we do all the right things as parents, and we sell it to our kids, if they do all the right things as kids, you know, then everything's gonna be okay. And it's not.


What do you do? Comment below? Like, do you get what I'm saying? Whether you're watching the replay or watching this live? Just comment below, what are you feeling what's going on with the experience of how come I did everything right. And things are nice enough, things are good enough for me, I know there's something more something better could be going on, and my relationship and my experience of family. So the thing about it is, this happens because people are more concerned about accomplishments than connection, you probably knew I was going to say that people are more concerned about jumping through hoops, and looking good. 


Well, on paper, honestly, if you if you fight for that, and that's what you get, you get that and you get to brag about it. And you get to show off about that. And you get another few letters after your name and you and you get to show the pictures of another vacation that you took your kids on. But the thing is, are the car you bought them or whatever, like, it's neat that that we're able to provide and do those things when we are but but it's no substitution for actually being. Safety is very important here at PDX. Hold on surroundings and reporting any unattended bags, I'm aware that bag is unattended, it's my PDA safe and secure. Okay, so there's no substitution for doing what it takes to be on the inside of our children's lives.


There's no substitution, you cannot buy that shit. It's unbelievable. The manipulation, the things that we do to deal with our own guilt, because we're not a checked in aware parent, because we're numbed out and checked out. That stuff that you buy, that's not going to get you what you want. It just makes it hungry or monster, in fact, so we got to look at that, and figure out what we're gonna do. So a couple things that you can do to do better, if that's what you want. If that's not what you want totally, like, scroll away, scroll away is to first of all, just recognize that that's what you're doing. And I can type in the in the notes or the comments or whatever, here and just say like, one of the things that you can say is, hey, I have always thought that I've been doing all the right things. 


And I'm starting to realize that, that I worked more on our resumes as parent child and all of the above than I than I did. Like work on our relationship. And I missed that. And I want that. And I don't know if we ever had that. But that's what I want. And I was wondering if you would sell me anything like how do you feel about that? Do you think sometimes we're just rushing around all the time, trying to do more and be more places and accomplish more stuff, just so we can like be successful people. And we don't really have much in common except for that we're both really, really stressed out. You can sorry, you can say these things to your kids, even if they're 10. Even if they're eight, like you can say these things to your kids. And they will be like, Excuse me? Like they might be like, Oh, no, everything's fine. But they'll think about it, they will they'll think about it. And you'll get to think about it. 


So number one step is to out yourself as a chronically busy person who has focused more on metrics, then and you know, measurable things and accomplishments. That's what I mean by metrics, then connection and being present, then you can make yourself a plan to spend seriously 910 minutes just being with your kid do not bring your phone don't worry about if they're on theirs. This is a you problems as a youth thing, you're modeling something, go to where they are in their room, on the couch, and just be like, hey, and they're gonna be like, What? No, no, do something like they're gonna think that you're going to be on them about doing the next thing or whatever. But the but but and you may do this already. And if so congrats and keep it up. But you just want to try and be more with your kids for no reason. Not to direct traffic, not to tell them what they need to do and remind them and nag them. We need to be with our kids just because we want to be with our kids. And that starts to build the connection. 


So I think those are actually two I don't want to go past that because on purpose because the number one thing is to acknowledge that you've been doing this and that something's been missing and you want to to be what's missing, which is present, and calm, focused on what really matters. And I'm telling you what, there are so many people in this role that you know what I mean, you might be one of them, I've been one of them. I just wrote an article about that, where I'm like, ooh, the stereotypes, let me just, you know, check all the boxes off, and I'll be able to feel good about myself, you know, we're doing a B, that image of that thing that we think is going to be the right thing to be that's going to make us happy. And it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't. 


So I forgot what I said when I started that sentence. But it's a really good thing to realize that that's what you've done and that it's truly bankrupt. And in terms of causing relationships to happen, you might be surprised that like, this sucks, I don't know how to say it, right. But like, you might be surprised that the thing that you think your kid loves doing, like a sport or an activity or something they're just doing to please you so that they can like be approved of by you. And you might want to check that out too. That happens a lot. 


Kids get really burned out. And they think that that's the only connection that they have between their parents and them. I had a call it the dad that really like broke my heart he his son was so burned out of basketball after years of playing. And he had different plans, he wanted to continue to get be in shape and workout and be active and do more lifting. And you know, he, but he wasn't going to have a game to go watch. And his dad was pretty much freaking out, because he didn't know what else they would have anymore. Because their whole connection was based on the son jumping through series of hoops, literally hoops. And it was so sad. And the dad did not see the light. And we got to talk to him the one time before. You know, it was just a fluke. But that I got to speak with him. But I'm telling you, it's painful. The kids still text me and says oh my god, like this sucks. My dad only sees me as a basketball player. And and that's because that's what his dad thought would look good on paper for college. I mean, he wouldn't shut up. He couldn't hear me couldn't hear past his ego and what he thought was all the right things. 


So just look, don't be embarrassed and don't be ashamed. It's so powerful to just look and see what you can do to not worry so much about the paper. Oh, that's what I was gonna say earlier. Paper looks good. Doesn't mean people are happy. And you know that those of you who are living in my neighborhood and Arcadia, you very well know that all these people with all these fancy things and all this money building these empires doesn't mean that they have the relationship that they want with their kid just because they provide everything and everything looks so good on the outside. There's no correlation. This is a tough one someone has talked about. Alright, tell me what you think. I'll put some notes later when I listened to the spec.

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